Destiny can never be simple
by floating fog
Summary: Merlin was so tired, of everything, he just wanted it to be over. Spoilers for S4 and other things, you should read the A/N really. Warning for suicidel themes and self harm. *there is no death though*
1. Memories consume

**A/N: So this is something that has been going around in my mind since the end of S4, however the timing was lousy and I was stuck with massive exam to study for, I did the exam yesterday and this was written today, it will have a sequel, several of them actually and I hope you will like it. Much love!**

**Pairing: Arthur/ Merlin- Eventually, it will take sometime and it won't happen in this part.**

**Warning: Self- harm,cutting, deep depression, suicidel thoughts. Spoilers to the end of S4 so if you haven't seen it yet *how can it be?* you shouldn't read it.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to BBC and all that. And the song as well, Linkin park own it and stuff.**

**Now, enjoy.**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Memories consume<br>Like opening the wound  
>I'm picking me apart again<strong>_

"Just come with me quietly Merlin and everything will be okay."

Merlin stared at Gwaine.

"Ahm, Gwaine? What are you talking about?" He reached out to touch his friend's shoulder only to have his wrist grabbed and his hand to be twisted behind his back.

"Gwaine! What are you doing?"

"Orders of the king Merlin." Gwaine said and Merlin heard the metallic clink of cuffs being pulled out, the cold metal was burning his skin.

"What?" Merlin said and got a hit to his jaw for his trouble.

"Shut up, sorcerer." And Merlin did.

The hall was quiet when he and Gwaine entered and Merlin's eyes widened when he saw Arthur's face. The king was furious, Merlin never saw him this furious and that scared him.

"I brought him sire." Gwaine said and threw Merlin's shackled form on the floor.

"Arthur, wha-"

"Silence!" Arthur roared as he got to his feet and covered the distance between them, unsheathing his sword mid stride. Merlin scrambled backwards and cried out when Arthur grabbed his hair.

"What were you trying to do sorcerer?" Arthur demanded; his voice cutting.

"What? Arthur I, I don't know wha-" He was cut off again by Arthur slapping him across his face, his ring cutting deep.

"No more lies! We found your letters to Morgana! Your plan to destroy Camelot, I was lucky that my uncle wasn't deceived by your traitors lies."

"Your uncle?" Merlin's eyes moved to Agravaine and his heart sunk.

"Arthur, I swear to you, on my mother's life that I would never try to harm Camelot, and I would never join Morgana."

Arthur moved away and his smile was even more terrifying than his stone cold mask.

"He said you would say that. Guards, take him, he will burn at dawn."

Merlin struggled against them, screaming and trashing in their hold and begging Arthur to believe him.

"Arthur! Please! I'm you friend! Please!"

"I never had a friend who was a traitor." Arthur's reply was heard before the doors banged shut.

* * *

><p>Merlin expected the guards to take him to the dungeon but instead they were heading to the court yard. Maybe Arthur changed his mind and he was being burned now?<p>

When they went out into the court yard it was dark and Merlin stared around, it wasn't supposed to be dark, and the yard was, it was in rumbles, stone pieces were strewn everywhere and there were bodies of some of the knights lying on the stones.

"What?" Merlin turned to ask the guard who held his arm what was going on when he noticed he was alone and with no cuffs.

A dark figure appeared from the shadows and Merlin's eyes widened when he recognize Sigan's form. _How can it be?_

"Who would have guessed, Prince Arthur's manservant is a sorcerer, and a powerful one at that."

And then Merlin saw himself, another Merlin standing in front of Sigan, he was younger than Merlin and dressed differently. _What was going on?_

Merlin shook his head as he heard Sigan's voice.

"He doesn't deserve your loyalty." Merlin swallowed, he remembered that time.

"He treats you like a slave," Sigan continued and Merlin heard himself answer.

"That's not true."

"He cast you aside without a moment's thought!" Merlin remembered how bad it hurt.

"That doesn't matter." And it didn't, back then, it really didn't, now…

"But it must hurt so much, to be so put upon, so overlooked when all the while you have such power."

Merlin knew what he answered then,

"That's the way it has to be."

"Does it?"

He couldn't look, he couldn't see the moment of hesitation in his own eyes as Sigan offered him to join him, to make Arthur see, and Merlin wasn't sure what would be his answer if Sigan offered him today.

He closed his eyes and waited for the silence to come and it did.

* * *

><p>When Merlin opened his eyes he was in the forest, with Gwen and the knights and… the Lamia.<p>

Leon was approaching quickly and Merlin knew what he was going to say before he said it.

"You are not a knight, you are not even a physician, you are _nothing_ but a servant."

The same pain and humiliation flared again and before Merlin could say anything more the forest was gone and he was back at the hall, Arthur was standing before him, quiet and cold.

"Exile. I will not kill you, though the law demands it, but I will give you a chance. Leave Merlin, leave and never return." With that he turned away and strode out of the hall and Merlin fall to the ground, his screams of anguish tearing his body apart.

* * *

><p>"Merlin! Merlin!"<p>

Merlin's eyes flew open and he heard several crushing sounds before he focused on Gaius's concerned face.

"Gaius?"

"Are you alright my boy?"

"I, I'm not… what happened?" Merlin rubbed his eyes and looked around, his room was a mass, he didn't have a magical outburst like this in years.

"You were screaming. And reaching for your dagger and trying to claw your own throat out, should I go on?" Gaius asked, his sarcastic voice doing nothing to hide the concern he felt.

"I, I think I had a nightmare."

"I figured that much out my boy, about what?"

"Arthur." Merlin said and waved a hand to restore his room to his normal state.

"He found out about my magic and sentenced me to the pyre."

Gaius looked so old for a second that Merlin regretted telling him.

"Look Gaius it's all right, I'm not-"

But he was cut off by the old man hugging him tightly, his arms crushing Merlin's form.

"I'm so sorry you have to suffer like this," He whispered into Merlin's hair.

"You don't deserve it, my boy, you don't."

Merlin returned the hug and felt his own tears gathering at the edge of his eyes.

"It's okay Gaius, as long as I've got you."

Gaius nodded and pulled away.

"I'll make us a tea and you will tell me everything, it's not good to keep this things in Merlin." Gaius said sternly and Merlin nodded and followed him to the main room.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I don't know what's worth fighting for<br>Or why I have to scream.  
>I don't know why I instigate<br>And say what I don't mean**_

"It's just… I don't know anything anymore Gaius, I thought I knew but now…" Merlin buried his head in his arms and sighed.

Gaius was silent for several moments before he spoke slowly, considering every word.

"He is under a lot of pressure right now Merlin, you have to understand that."

"I do!" Merlin cried. "I really do, and I try to do everything I can to help but it's just… I know I shouldn't have said these things regarding Gwen but I… I want him to be happy, and he isn't."

"That isn't what needs to concern you right now. Agravaine is."

"I know, Arthur didn't believe me when I told him that he took it and the fact that Morgana probably made a copy so Agravaine could put the real one back wasn't helping. He told me to stop being an idiot as usual and left."

"What was the map?"

"The tunnels, below Camelot, the secret ones."

Gaius frowned. "This isn't good; we need to find out what she is planning."

"I know, believe me I know."

* * *

><p>Something was wrong with Merlin. Arthur knew that, he just didn't know what.<p>

Merlin was quiet around him and competent and in a way cold.

There were no silly faces to help Arthur make it through council meetings and no banter, nothing, and Arthur was concerned.

"The taxes over the northern villages will be decreased this year due to the bad harvest they had-" Arthur zoned out, focusing his thoughts and gaze on Merlin instead.

It was unnerving at first, Arthur though that it was just his mind and other things trying to make up for Gwen's loss but as the days went, he realized that it wasn't. And now the ache over Gwen was there, she was a good friend, he maybe even felt something more than that towards her once but now, the ache over loosing Merlin was greater.

Merlin, who was staring off into space, his brow furrowed and his eyes unfocused, Merlin who wasn't looking at Arthur at all this days and when he did it was brief and cold. Arthur needed to make it right. He glanced over to where Mithian sat and decided that a hunt will do well, she liked to hunt and Merlin hated it and so it will be the perfect chance to get him to talk to Arthur.

The meeting ended and Arthur groaned mentally as he rose from his throne, glanced around the table and his eyes fall on Merlin, naturally, as his manservant went to help Gaius, the old man stumbled and it was Agravaine who caught him.

"Careful Gaius, we wouldn't want anything to happen to you, now would we?"

Arthur frowned as Merlin's face hardened and he took Gaius's form from Agravaine, doing his best not to touch the man.

"He is fine, my lord." Merlin spat, his eyes cold and dark.

Arthur remembered Merlin's accusations toward his uncle but surly Merlin couldn't believe them still? They proved that Agravaine wasn't the traitor.

"Merely making sure of that Merlin, like I said we wouldn't want anything to happen to him."

Merlin opened his mouth again when Gaius grabbed his arm harder.

"Thank you for your concern, my lord." He said stiffly and practically dragged Merlin out of the hall. Arthur made to follow then when Mithian called his name and he was forced to remain in the hall.

* * *

><p>Later that night he made his way to Gaius's chambers. Telling himself that it was to make sure the old man was all right and had nothing to do with the need to make Merlin talk to him again.<p>

He made it to the door and was about to enter when he heard Merlin's voice.

"Gaius, just drink it."

"It doesn't smell good."

"None of your potions smells good and you don't see us complaining about it."

Arthur stifled a snicker.

"This is not one of my potions Merlin, what is it?" Gaius sounded tired.

Merlin hesitated and Arthur heard a chair being dragged and he guessed that Merlin took a sit.

"Alator." Came Merlin's quiet answer and Arthur tried to remember who was Alator.

"And why exactly did he tell you about it?"

"Come on Gaius, you were half dead when Gwaine and I found you and I was scared so I asked for his help!" The chair was dragged again and Arthur knew that Merlin started pacing.

"His help?" Gaius sounded worried.

"Yes, his help."

"And he gave it to you? Just like that?"

Merlin's laugh was a bit bitter. "Of course he would, after he-"

"All right, I get it, here, I'm taking the potion!"

Arthur heard nothing for a few moments and then Gaius coughed.

Merlin laughed a bit. "Yeah, he said it would be a bit bitter."

"A bit bitter? My boy that was the most disgusting, foul tasting, horrible-"

"May I remind you that you made me drink troll potion? I think I win."

Gaius chuckled. "I almost miss her."

Merlin snorted. "Yeah, a real lady she was, our queen Katrina."

Arthur took a couple steps back before he walked back, and knocked on the door.

"Gaius?"

"Come in."

Arthur opened the door and entered the room, Gaius was lying down on his bed and Merlin was clearing away their dinner.

"Sire, is something wrong?"

"Oh no. Nothing's wrong," Arthur assured him, glancing at Merlin who was ignoring him. "I came by to see how you are. After the council meeting today you seemed a bit unwell."

Gaius looked at him for a moment and then at Merlin.

"I'm quite all right, thank you sire. Nothing a good night's rest won't heal."

_And mysterious potions_, Arthur thought to himself.

"Right. Good night then Gaius." He turned around and was almost out of the door before he turned and looked at Merlin, who was still not looking at him.

"We are going on a hunt tomorrow Merlin."

Merlin's eyes met his and for a moment Arthur hoped that he would complain and ask if he could stay behind but after a moment he lowered his eyes and replied with a polite.

"Yes sire."

Arthur nodded and walked out, closing the door behind him.

He waited two minutes before he returned and stood near the door, listening.

He was _not_ eavesdropping. He was not.

"Merlin?"

"I'm going to bed Gaius, you heard it, I have a hunt tomorrow."

"Merlin just-"

"What?" Merlin snapped.

"The red bottle, dreamless potion, you screamed again last night."

There was a small pause and then Arthur heard steps and bottles clanking against each other.

"Thanks."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not this one, I really don't want to remember that certain adventure."

"Good night my boy."

"Good night Gaius."

Arthur waited until he heard the door to Merlin's room closing shut before he made his way quietly back to his chambers.

As he settled between his own covers his mind started to wander.

Why would Merlin need a dreamless potion?

What was he screaming about?

What did Gaius know about Merlin that Arthur didn't?

Arthur fell asleep that night with his mind full of Merlin, as usual.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Clutching my cure<br>I tightly lock the door  
>I try to catch my breath again<br>I hurt much more  
>Than anytime before<br>I had no options left again**_

Merlin closed his door silently and cast the spell to lock it, another spell and it was sound proof. The potion didn't help, in fact it seemed to make the nightmares worse, as his magic fought the drug and increased their intensity, forcing Merlin to dream about his worst experiences.

He settled on his bed and took a couple of deep breaths, he couldn't stop the trembling in his hands though as he grabbed his dagger.

He knew it was wrong, he knew it was weak, but he didn't care, he had to do something to make the pain stop, anything to make the constant pain and guilt and everything to crush down on him like giant waves.

His dagger was clean, it was always clean at the beginning and sharp, oh so very sharp.

A small cut at first, on his arm, nothing too serious, the cut flared gold and healed almost immediately, leaving no sign.

Stifling a sob Merlin cut again, deeper this time, trying to get all the guilt out, he knew that if he cut deep enough and had enough cuts he will black out in the end and he will be able to sleep for several hours while his magic fixed his body, erasing all traces of his actions.

He passed out eventually, half a candle mark after midnight, with the dagger clutched tightly in his palm and a pool of his own blood gathering on the floor.

* * *

><p>The hunt wasn't going as Arthur planned, he planned to get Merlin alone and demand answers, what he got was a sulky Merlin who refused to ride near his horse and preferred to walk with the rest of the servants and scare the animals off.<p>

When they finally found something worth catching Arthur missed because he was too distracted by the look of shock on Merlin's face. Mithian however, didn't miss.

* * *

><p>The night was cold and dark and Arthur knew he should be in bed already but he couldn't move from the window, the coldness from the glass seemed to calm him and his raging thoughts, something about the deer made Merlin anxious and Arthur couldn't stop thinking about what it was.<p>

He glanced down at the courtyard and narrowed his eyes when he saw Merlin's tall figure crossing the yard towards the stables.

Arthur didn't think twice before he followed.

* * *

><p>Merlin rode back to the clearing where they shot the deer that Morning and Arthur wandered why.<p>

He got his answer when Merlin dismounted and rushed over to the dark figure on the ground- Gwen.

Arthur thought that he will feel something more, anything, but the only thing he missed was Gwen's company, not her love.

He moved closer and stared as Merlin wrapped her in a cloak and pulled out the arrow that was stuck in her thigh. Gwen was the deer?

"Don't move." He heard Merlin say.

Gwen moaned in pain and Merlin revealed the wound and stared at it hard, he glanced back at Gwen and then put his hand above the wound, a few moments later he removed his hand and sighed. He pulled several bandages from his beg and dressed the wound.

"Gwen? Can you hear me?"

"Merlin?"

"Yeah. Are you hurt anywhere else?"

"No, I, how did you know?"

"Oh, I, ahh… I had a hunch and well, your ah reflection in the water and ahm…"

Merlin stumbled and Arthur knew he was hiding something.

"Oh." Gwen said quietly and rose to a sitting position.

"What are you doing here Gwen?"

"I came to warn Arth- to warn Camelot, Morgana is-"

"I know about the map, what is she going to do?"

"A mercenary, Helios, they will attack Camelot and-"

"Right. Do you know when?"

"Not really."

"We have to get you to Arthur."

"No!"

Merlin stopped his pacing and turned around, his voice pleading.

"Please Gwen. You have too, he will listen to you!"

"I'm exiled Merlin, Camelot isn't my home anymore."

Arthur swallowed around the lump in his throat, Gwen deserved what she got but, well, he missed her. Merlin's reaction to the word exile was more important, his face hardened and he stopped pacing, turning around to face away from Gwen.

"He won't listen to me and Camelot is in danger, you have to come!"

"I, I can't Merlin, I'm sorry, I know you'll think of something and Arthur always listens to you and-"

"He doesn't." Merlin said in a clipped tone and his hand brushed his arm.

"Merlin…"

"I have to go back, Gaius will be worried." Merlin turned around and pulled out a letter from his shirt.

"Go to Ealdor, stay with my mother, she will make sure you'll be fine, give her this letter and tell her not to worry."

"Merlin," Gwen started and then stopped, staring at him. "I'm so sorry, about everything, I shouldn't have-"

"Not your fault Gwen," Merlin said and mounted his horse. "I mean it, it's Morgana's doing and my fault, as always." He turned his horse around and looked down at her.

"I'll see you again Gwen. Stay safe."

With that he rode off and Arthur waited for a few minutes before following.

Arthur followed Merlin to a lake and stopped on the edge of the trees, hidden between the shadows.

Merlin was standing on the shore and staring out into the lake; he picked up two rocks and cast them far into the water.

"When everything is over I will be coming back!" He yelled into the dark water before mounting his horse again and riding back to Camelot.

Arthur looked at the lake and tried to see someone, anyone, but the lake was empty and dark and Arthur frowned, another one of Merlin's secrets.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I don't want to be the one<br>The battles always choose  
>'Cause inside I realize<br>That I'm the one confused**_

Merlin didn't want to stop and wonder why he felt so relieved that Mithian was leaving, so he didn't.

Merlin didn't want to stop and wonder why Arthur kept staring at him, so he didn't.

Merlin didn't want to stop and wonder when and how Morgana would strike, so he didn't.

Most of all, Merlin didn't want to stop and wonder why he was blushing every time he knew Arthur was looking at him, so he didn't.

Merlin didn't want to stop and wonder why he deserved this destiny, so he didn't.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I don't know how I got this way<br>I know it's not alright.  
>So I'm breaking the habit,<br>I'm breaking the habit  
>Tonight<strong>_

Morgana decided to make her move two months later and Merlin should have seen it coming, but he was so tired already that it caught him by surprise, just like it caught everyone else. So when Gwaine rushed in, pale faced and with a drawn sword he should have known.

He should have known better than enchant Arthur with that specific spell.

He should have known better than to try and hide with smugglers.

And really, when everything was finally over Merlin was done with them all.

Destiny could find itself a new warlock, Merlin was tired.

* * *

><p>Arthur woke up in a small bed with his head exploding, so naturally the first thing he did when he saw Gwen again was to hug her, she was his friend and he missed her, the second thing was to demand that Merlin will explain what was he thinking in bringing them to Ealdor and maybe a cup of water.<p>

He got the water but then his traitors' uncle showed up and there was no time for anything.

He glanced from the hut door and saw Merlin standing with his mother in the middle of the road.

Merlin was gesturing widely around them, his eyes dark and angry and his shoulder's tense.

Arthur had no idea what Merlin was talking about but he knew they had to leave, and fast.

He was about to call to Merlin when Hunith grabbed her son, hugged him and then pushed him in the direction of the hut, smiling bravely even as Agravaine's men swam through the village.

Merlin led them through the forest and toward the tunnels; Arthur had no idea how he stall Agravaine's men and made a mantle note to ask him about it once everything was over.

They ran through the tunnels for what seemed like hours before they saw the exit, which was, of course, the exact moment that they heard the voices behind them.

Merlin volunteered and Arthur didn't have the time to tell him everything he wanted and needed, how desperately he needed to tell him everything, before Merlin was off, gone into the darkness of the tunnels.

He led them to the last tunnel before he couldn't carry on and had to turn back, Merlin, his friend, his Merlin, his everything was in danger.

He found Merlin when he was about to take the second turn, for a moment he just stood there, shocked and happy and pleased and-

"You came back for me." Merlin sounded as shocked as Arthur felt.

"You are my friend," And more, he wanted to add but now was not the time. "I couldn't bear to lose you."

Merlin seemed confused for a moment before he nodded.

They left the tunnels together.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I'll paint it on the walls<br>'Cause I'm the one that falls  
>I'll never fight again<br>And this is how it ends**_

Merlin stared out into the night sky, his hand itched to grab his dagger and he was really tired, he haven't slept for the last three days, out of fear that he will do something while asleep and it was getting worse.

He sighed and moved back to the fire, Arthur was discussing with Leon what they should do and Leon said that Helios men won't be a problem, Morgana was, with her magic…

Merlin drifted off, Morgana's magic was his fault, everything Morgana did was his fault, he wanted to scream it to the world and let it be over with, let everything be over with, let them burn him with his magic, let them take his magic away…

Merlin froze. Take the magic away. A slow smile rose on his lips as his plan was formed and he mounted a horse and rode off.

* * *

><p>Arthur saw Merlin getting up from the fire, his eyes were unfocused and his brow was furrowed in concentration. He walked a couple of paces before he stopped and smiled, a slow, twisted kind of smile that made Arthur's blood freeze in his veins.<p>

And then he mounted a horse and rode off, Arthur just prayed he will be all right.

* * *

><p>"It's over Morgana." Arthur said calmly, his sword, the sword Merlin gave him clutched tightly in his hand.<p>

"It's not!" Morgana screamed and raised her hand, Arthur was ready to block whatever it was she flung their way when Morgana made a frustrated noise and tried again, and again with no success.

Arthur stared at her.

"This cannot be! Emrys!" She screamed and raised her hand again.

Arthur looked around him, looking for another person, someone who might be doing this, his gaze fell on Merlin, Merlin who was standing to the side and staring at Morgana with a satisfied little smile on his face.

Arthur's mind froze. Merlin?

Morgana gave up and made a run for it, Helios stepping forward to take her place and Arthur was too busy fighting to save his life then to follow Merlin as he left the hall.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I'll never be alright<br>So, I'm breaking the habit  
>I'm breaking the habit<br>I'm breaking the habit  
>Tonight<strong>_

It was over.

Merlin was standing in Gaius's chambers and looking down at the sleeping man, he nearly lost him this time and the fear of that loss crept inside his heart and chased whatever good feeling of victory he had.

He defeated Morgana, and the look on her face when she realized her magic was gone was priceless, he was sure they had at least a little while before she tried anything again and this time Merlin will be ready.

He walked outside their chambers and down the corridor, catching himself before he turned in the direction of Arthur's chambers, yes they were talking again, and yes Arthur came back for him and said he couldn't bear to lose him, but it wasn't enough.

Merlin knew what he wanted, even if he wouldn't, _couldn't_, say it out loud and Arthur's announcement that he was going to merry Gwen again was the final proof.

So Merlin climbed one of the towers and stood there for a while, just staring ahead, not really seeing anything.

The dagger was a familiar, comforting pressure against his arm and the pain that fallowed was even more comforting.

He sighed and took the stairs again, walking out to the stables and mounting a horse, he was going to get help, he knew that he had to do something before he broke completely, he was half way there as it was.

* * *

><p>Arthur stared at the yard for a long time after Gwen left.<p>

He thought about it, it was the only way. Camelot needed stability and only a queen could do that, but he owed Gwen the truth so he told her that it wouldn't be real, couldn't be real, that for him there was only one, and Gwen smiled and nodded and said that she understood and that if Lance was still… she didn't finish that sentence but Arthur knew. Yes, Gwen was the perfect queen.

Arthur glanced back at the yard and blinked twice before he sighed and moved to the door. Couldn't Merlin rest for a while?

He followed him back to the lake and watched as Merlin sat there for several minutes without doing anything.

Arthur was beginning to get bored and cold when something glowed in the water.

What?

Merlin rose to his feet and walked closer to the water's edge.

"Merlin." A soft voice sounded and Arthur shivered.

"Freya." Merlin greeted back.

Arthur was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Merlin knew this, this thing when it spoke again.

"You are troubled my dear."

Merlin let out a bitter laugh. "Troubled is a mild way of putting it Freya. Sick and tired of destiny will be a better way."

Freya scoffed. "Merlin, you cannot-"

"I know, the gods know Kilgharrah told me that plenty of times before." Merlin said before she finished. "I just need you to help me with my dreams, I can't seem to get any sleep and it's driving me crazy."

"Gaius's potions didn't work?"

Merlin shook his head.

"My magic repeals them, they worsen everything."

Arthur shook his own head, for a moment it sounded like Merlin said 'his magic'.

"Have you become a seer my dear?"

Merlin snorted. "Being Emrys is problematic enough, I don't need to be a seer as well."

Emrys. Magic. Merlin. Traitor. Merlin. Magic. Sorcerer.

Arthur's mind was reeling and by the time he could see again Merlin was glowing gold and floating above the ground with Freya's hands above his head.

"This will do it?" He asked when he stopped glowing.

"Yes. You know the spell, every night before you go to sleep."

Merlin nodded and smiled.

Arthur realized he didn't see Merlin's smile for far too long.

Merlin thanked her again and mounted his horse waving back to Freya before he rode off.

Arthur waited for Freya to go before he left but she seemed content to just stand there, finally he decided to step out of the woods.

"He would never betray you, Arthur Pendragon." She said softly the moment he stepped out of the shadows.

"You knew I was there?"

She nodded and looked at him expectantly.

"How can you tell? He is a sorcerer."

"Warlock," She amended. "And he is your Warlock. Your destinies are entwined."

"Why didn't he tell me?"

"He isn't ready, but he will tell you Arthur Pendragon, it has been foretold since the beginning."

Arthur nodded and rode back to Camelot, he needed to sleep before he could start thinking how to win Merlin's trust and make him tell him everything.

But he will win Merlin and then, then they will be together and that destiny Freya spoke of will finally begin.

Arthur will make sure it will.

* * *

><p><strong>So that is it, the end of part one, I hope you liked it. Reviews?<strong>


	2. Born to die

**Another part! Before we Start I want to thank everyone who added this story to their alerts and favorite and commented! Thank you people! Me and my muse love you very much indeed :D**

**This one takes after the last chapter so there are no spoilers *unless BBC will decide to take my line of story which will be pretty awesome but...***

**Pairing: one sided Gwaine/ Merlin**

**Warning: Once again mentioned suicidel thoughts and self harm but nothing like last time :)**

**Disclaimer: They aren't mine. Nither is the song, it belonges to the wonderful Lana Del Ray.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Feet don't fail me now<br>Take me to the finish line  
>All my heart, it breaks every step that I take<strong>_

Merlin stared forward and pretended he didn't see what was going before him, for the last week the castle was busy with preparations for the royal wedding and Merlin did his best to act normal, to smile and help and support Arthur when he seemed worried.

The dreams stopped for three whole days before they returned with vengeance, seemingly punishing Merlin for trying to avoid them.

And now, he was bone tired again and his hand itched for his dagger as he did his best to ignore the wedding before him.

Gwen looked stunning, her dress fitted her form and clung to every curve of her body in all the right places, she was gorgeous, Merlin swallowed, she was the perfect queen.

Arthur, Merlin couldn't look at Arthur, he helped him today to dress but he did his best not to look, he couldn't bare that sight, not now.

Gaius's hand was clutched tightly in his and Merlin knew that his guardian knew something was wrong.

Finally it was over and the crowd burst with cries of joy and clapping and calls of-

"Long live the queen! Long live the queen!"

Merlin did his best to smile and join the cries until he couldn't do it anymore and his throat felt raw and tight, he glanced at Gaius and saw the old man looking at him with concern.

"Go." He whispered and jerked his head towards the door. "Go before something happens."

Merlin nodded and made his way quickly to the exit, doing his best not to look at people, afraid someone will try to stop him and question why he was going away, away from his master and king' wedding.

* * *

><p>The cold air in the corridor was a welcome thing to Merlin's tight throat and he stopped just outside the doors leaning against them and taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart.<p>

He heard voices getting closer to door and moved away, breaking into a fast run away from the hall, away from everyone. He ran blindly, his eyes didn't register where he was going before he burst out the door and into the battlements, his heart pounding in his chest.

He mumbled a quick locking spell and stepped away from the door, his legs shook with every step that he took and he wondered, almost detached if this feeling he had in his chest was his heart breaking, if the feeling he had, like he would never be happy again was just that.

At the thought of his aching chest Merlin crumbled to the floor and curled around himself, the new position did nothing to stop the cold wind from getting under his cloths and freezing him to the bone, it felt good, it felt amazing actually, he couldn't feel his fingers anymore and his lips felt swollen, he licked at them and bit down, hard, tasting blood.

He didn't know how long he stayed there, minutes, hours, years; the only thing he knew was that it was good; this numb feeling that spread through his body and made his heart beat to slow down.

Down.

Down.

Down.

He had no idea when he closed his eyes, only that he did and then there was darkness, soft, comforting darkness and Merlin smiled, finally at peace.

* * *

><p>"Well Gaius?" Gwaine's voice was worried and Merlin tried to blink.<p>

"He will be all right, Gwaine, you found him just in time, a couple more minutes and…" Gaius trailed off and Merlin felt so guilty for making him worried.

He opened his eyes slowly and tried to move only to discover that he was wrapped in what seemed like hundreds of blankets.

"Gaius?" Merlin tried to ask but his throat hurt and prickled and it felt like he tried to cut his own throat.

"Merlin!" Gaius cried out and moved quickly to give him a small cup.

"Drink!" He ordered and Merlin did.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Don't make me sad, don't make me cry<br>Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough  
>I don't know why<strong>__**The road is long, we carry on  
>Try to have fun in the meantime<strong>_

The next time Merlin woke up the room was quiet and dark, the only source of light was the fire that burned cheerfully in the fireplace.

Merlin looked around him and tried to see where Gaius was.

"Gaius?" He called softly, this time his throat didn't hurt like it was rubbed raw with sand.

"Gaius?" He tried again.

"Merlin?" Gwaine's soft voice drifted from the far corner of the room before the man himself appeared before Merlin.

"Hi," Merlin said sheepishly, he remembered that Gwaine was the one who found him. "I, ahm, thank you." He said with a soft smile.

Gwaine nodded with a grim look on his face as he sat near Merlin, presenting him with a cup.

"Drink it, Gaius said to give it to you the moment you are up."

Merlin took the cup and looked at the liquid within with suspicion.

"What is it?" He couldn't risk being drugged again, his magic will go ballistic.

Gwaine shrugged and toyed with the edges of Merlin's blanket.

"I don't know, just drink it, you scared him enough as it is." Gwaine reproached.

Merlin looked down and drank the potion without any more questions

"I know," He said quietly and fiddled with his fingers in his lap. "I didn't mean to fall asleep, I just…"

"Don't you know it's dangerous to go out in this weather Merlin? You could have died." He finished quietly.

Merlin looked up and saw Gwaine's concerned face and his heart twitched with guilt. _But what could he say?_

He couldn't say that he had to get out of there before he blew the entire hall to pieces.

He couldn't say that he just watched the love of his life marrying another woman.

He couldn't say that his magic won't even let him hurt himself like he wanted too.

_He couldn't._

"I know," Gwaine's soft voice said and Merlin's head snapped up.

"What?"

Gwaine sighed and raked a hand through his head.

"I'm going to tell you something and you have to swear that you will hear me out."

Merlin nodded, his heart beating an uneven rhythm in his chest.

"A year ago, when we all went to the isle of the blessed and after you miraculously healed, Lance took me for a talk."

Merlin's eyes widened and he shook his head, Lance wouldn't do that, he wouldn't betray Merlin like that.

"He told me of how you two met, about how you saved him and helped him, about your magic." Gwaine said and his eyes were warm and caring.

"He told me about everything you did for Arthur, everything you did for Camelot and what you were going to do on the isle." Gwaine shook his head.

"I always knew you were brave Merlin but that, I was speechless. Then Lance told me that he had no intention of letting you go and sacrifice yourself because you are so bloody noble. He told me that he was going to do it himself but he wanted to make sure that there is someone who will know, besides Gaius, someone who will know what you can do, what you have done."

Merlin's eyes were wide and shining with unshed tears.

"Bloody Lance." He mumbled and Gwaine chuckled.

"Yeah, bloody Lance." He hesitated then and looked at Merlin again before sighing.

"He told me about Arthur too."

"What?" Merlin said, he didn't tell Lance that, he didn't know it back then.

"He said you were oblivious to it as he was."

Merlin lowered his head in shame.

"Is that why you ran today?" Gwaine asked gently and Merlin shook his head and then nodded and then the tears were coming out and he was sobbing and gasping for breath and the room was too small.

Gwaine sat on the bed next to him and pulled him into his arms.

"Shh, Shh," He murmured into Merlin's hair as he rubbed comforting circles across his back. "I know, I know, get it out Merlin, it hurts I know."

Eventually the tears were over and Merlin quieted down and looked at Gwaine with a small smile.

"Thanks, I didn't mean, it's just so… I can't, I had no one to…"

Gwaine cupped his face with his hands and smiled softly at him.

"You do now, Merlin, I know that love hurts and I know that sometimes you feel as though you are going to crush down from all that pain but I'm here, you are not alone anymore."

Merlin smiled and clasped Gwaine's arms, squeezing tightly.

"Thank you my friend, Thank you."

Gwaine nodded and smiled.

"Now, do you know what the best cure for a broken heart is?"

Merlin shook his head.

"Getting drunk!" Gwaine declared and rose up from the bed.

"We are going to get you spectacularly drunk Merlin!" He said with a wide grin and Merlin laughed, for the first time in months he really laughed.

* * *

><p>The next couple of months were the best Merlin had in a long time, the winter ended and the spring was in full swing, improving everybody's mood.<p>

Merlin whistled as he went down to the kitchens to get the king's breakfast.

Gwaine told him to think about Arthur as just the king, to detach himself as much as possible from the man that Merlin desperately loved and for most days Merlin managed to do just that, he smiled at Arthur and told him jokes, they bantered like they used to and things were looking good.

"Good morning Hilda!" Merlin called out to the cook as he waited for the king's breakfast.

"Lovely morning to you as well love, good to see your smiling face in the morning, makes for a better day!" Calls of agreement were heard from other cooks and servants who were in the room and Merlin's smile widened.

He was still smiling when he reached the king's door and knocked softly, after the first morning he entered and saw the king and queen in a tight hug he never forgot to knock again. That morning drove him to Gwaine that night and the knight had to hold Merlin's shaking form as he allowed his tears and magic to pour out in agony.

"Enter." The king's voice sounded and Merlin opened the door and walked inside, his smile still in place.

"Good morning sire!" He called cheerfully as he laid the tray down on the table.

"Merlin," the king said from his place near the fireplace.

"So," Merlin said as he pulled out the king's attire for the day ahead. "You have training with the knights until noon," He moved to open the window and arrange the bed. "Then you have lunch, lord Byron requested that you'll dine with him and I haven't given your answer yet," He paused and turned to the king with one eyebrow raised.

The king was staring at Merlin with his hand frozen mid way to his mouth with the goblet.

"Sire?" Merlin asked and looked down at himself, his cloths had no stains and nothing was amiss, so why was the king looking at him like that?

"Sire?" Merlin asked again, his voice getting a bit higher and he forced himself to calm down.

"I'm sorry, what?" The king said, his hand completing its way to his mouth.

"Lunch with lord Byron?" Merlin repeated.

"Oh, no, I'm eating with Gwen today."

Merlin did his best not to flinch at the mention of her name.

"Of course sire, I'll let him know you are dining with the queen." Merlin said and finished fluffing the pillows.

"You should join us Merlin." The king said and Merlin froze, he couldn't do it, he couldn't be in the same room with the two of them.

"Unfortunately sire I can't." He said with false cheerfulness.

"Why ever not?" The king sounded irritated.

"Gaius, he needs some rare flowers and I asked Gwaine to help me and today is the only day he can." Merlin improvised quickly and prayed that Gwaine was free today.

"Sir Gwaine?" The king's voice was clipped and tight and Merlin didn't need to look at him to know that his eyes were narrowed.

"Indeed sire, Sir Gwaine, I forgot."

"That's not what I meant _Mer_lin." The king said and Merlin shivered, it's been a while since Arthur said his name like that. Merlin's eyes widened as he realized he just called him… oh god, he needed to get out of there and now.

"Will that be all sire?" Merlin asked as he collected the dirty laundry and kept his face away from Arth- the king's eyes.

"You may go."

Merlin thanked the gods and made a hasty retreat for the door.

"Merlin?" The king's voice stopped him at the door.

"Sire?" He said without turning around.

"You will attend me at council meeting this afternoon." The king's voice broke no argument and Merlin knew he'd have no chance of escaping this time.

"Yes sire." He said and left the room.

* * *

><p>The council meeting was a nightmare that Merlin couldn't escape from.<p>

He had to stand there and look attentive and not like his heart was bleeding at the sight of Arthur and Gwen sitting on their thrones and holding hands as they held court.

He had to stand there and look how Arthur smiled when Gwen said something wise.

He had to stand there and look how happy was Arthur.

Merlin had no idea how he survived that meeting, perhaps it was Gaius's hand on his arm, comforting, reassuring, grounding, or maybe it was the small smiles that Gwaine kept throwing him and the mouthed 'hang on' every now and then.

Eventually it was over and the councilors were free to go.

Gwaine was by his side in a second, his hand squeezing Merlin's bicep and his other holding his hand reassuringly.

"Merlin?" He asked in a soft concerned voice.

"I'm… I need to get out." He managed to say at last.

"Right." Gwaine nodded and turned to Gaius. "I'll get him to that clearing, I don't think the tavern will be enough tonight."

Gaius nodded. "Just don't stay there too long, rain is on his way."

Gwaine nodded and wrapped his arm around Merlin's waist, leading him out of the hall.

None of them noticing Arthur's eyes as they followed them out of the hall and narrowed.

* * *

><p>Arthur knew that something was up. He noticed the way Gwaine kept hovering around <em>his<em> Merlin, kept smiling at him and touching him and taking him along when he went to the tavern.

Arthur also noticed that Merlin stopped calling him 'Arthur', preferring to address him as 'Sire' most of the time and Arthur didn't like it one bit.

So he tried to get Merlin to talk to him again, to banter with him and laugh and do everything that they used to do before everything went so wrong.

Telling him to attend to him in today's council was a torture.

He had to sit there and hold Gwen's hand and smile at her as if it wasn't killing him that his love wasn't sitting beside him but instead he was standing near the wall, looking pale and pained like Arthur hasn't seen him in months and the only times he will smile a little was when Gwaine would smile at him and mouth some nonsense in his direction.

When it was finally over He saw Gwaine rushing to Merlin's side, his hand clutching Merlin with familiarity that made something dark and angry curl in Arthur's belly.

"… that clearing, I don't think the tavern will be enough tonight." He heard Gwaine telling Gaius and the old man nodded, saying something about rain before the two left the hall.

Arthur really didn't have a choice but to follow.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Come and take a walk on the wild side<br>Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain**_

"Maybe you should rest a bit Merlin!" Gwaine yelled over the noise of the roaring fire, the raging tornado and the shaking earth.

Merlin merely shook his head as his eyes glowed even brighter and the rumble could be heard above them.

He had to get it all out, he had to get all the pain out like that, this was the only way, Gwaine took his dagger away when he caught Merlin cutting his arm one day.

Gwaine's hand lay heavily on his shoulder and his other hand wrapped around his waist, drawing him closer to Gwaine's warm body and steadying him.

"Stop Merlin," Gwaine's voice whispered softly in his ear. "Come back to me."

And Merlin let go of his magic and allowed the fire to burn itself out, the tornado to blow over and the earth to stand still.

"Better?" Gwaine asked quietly, his arms still wrapped around Merlin's waist and the rain drizzled softly over them.

Merlin nodded, not trusting himself enough to talk.

"Good." Gwaine said but made no move to start going back to Camelot.

Merlin turned around in his arms and looked at him, his eyes widening as he saw Gwaine's eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Gwaine?" He asked softly, barely audible above the growing rain.

"I know you love him Merlin, but couldn't you give us a chance? I love you enough for the both of us." He added softly and his hand caressed Merlin's cheek.

Merlin was stunned into silence and when he didn't reply Gwaine moved closer and kissed him, it was chaste, barely a press of lips before he drew again and smiled sadly.

"I'm sorry." Merlin said, because he really was sorry. "I wish I could love you like you deserved, I wish I didn't love him as much as I do, I wish-"

Gwaine stopped him with a hand over his mouth, shaking his head.

"It doesn't matter Merlin," He said and shook his head again, letting go of Merlin's form and moving back, linking their hands together. "I have your friendship and it's enough, it has to be enough."

Merlin swallowed hard as new tears sprung to his eyes. "I'm sorry, Gwaine, I really do."

Gwaine gave a small smile and squeezed his hand.

"What a pair we are ah?"

Merlin gave a choked smile and started walking toward their horses.

He mounted his horse and then turned to Gwaine, giving a small smile.

"Now, do you know what the best cure for a broken heart is?"

Gwaine's snorted laughter made Merlin's smile to grow.

"What?"

"Getting drunk!" Merlin yelled and spurred his horse to move back towards Camelot.

* * *

><p><em><strong>This is the last time<br>Cause You and I  
>We were born to die<br>**_

Arthur knew he shouldn't do it.

Arthur knew he shouldn't be ruling with his heart.

Arthur knew he shouldn't send good knights, excellent knights away due to selfish reasons.

Arthur knew.

But the difference between knowing and doing was _very_ thin and very _very_ unstable, so after that night at the forest when he saw what Gwaine really was to Merlin he couldn't stop himself and so Gwaine was sent as an ambassador to South Embledor, away from Camelot and more importantly, away from Merlin.

Arthur watched their goodbyes through his window, his heart breaking all over again just as it had that night.

* * *

><p>"Don't cry Merlin, I'll write." Gwaine said as he made sure everything was ready.<p>

"I tried to talk him out of it but he wouldn't, he won't, and he was just…" Merlin said and his shoulders sagged again, remembering the king's tight face and narrowed eyes.

"I know Merlin, I tried to talk to him as well but he is as pig headed as ever." Gwaine sighed and looked at Merlin, his eyes soft.

"You have to promise me something Merlin," He said with urgency in his voice and Merlin looked up from the ground.

"Anything." Merlin swore.

"You have to promise me you will stay strong for me," He said, his hands gripping Merlin's arms tightly.

"You have to promise me you won't try anything else, you have to promise me that you will talk to Gaius when things get too much and," He pulled out a dagger, Merlin's dagger. "I'm giving it back to you because I trust you Merlin, you are stronger than that." He closed Merlin's hand around the dagger's hilt and smiled a soft smile.

"You promise to still be here when I get back?"

Merlin's laugh was choked and more a sob than a laugh really but he nodded.

"Where else will I go?"

Gwaine nodded and mounted his horse.

"You promise me then?" He asked; his eyes boring into Merlin's own and Merlin gave a small smile.

"I promise." He said and watched how Gwaine nodded once and rode out of the yard, stopping at the exit and turning back to wave at Merlin.

"Write to me!" He yelled and Merlin laughed as the tears fell from his eyes and twisted Gwaine's form.

When the court yard emptied Merlin moved his hand from behind his back and uncrossed his fingers.

"You should know better than believe the word of a sorcerer." He whispered and held the dagger tightly, allowing the tip to pierce the top of his finger and smiling ruefully when he felt the blood rushing to the surface and then out, spilling out unto the yard.

* * *

><p>Gaius's eyes snapped open as screams filled the chambers; he closed his eyes momentarily before he rushed to Merlin's room.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Another part is behind us and the next one is already in the making!<strong>

**Review please!**


	3. A shot in the dark

**A/N First of all and before anything else I would like to say thank you to EVERYONE that alerted and commented and favorited and all, you have no idea how much it means to me *Even if I'm starting to repeate myself***

**Disclaimer: They are not mine *And in Merlin's case it's a good thing cause he suffered this time* they belong to the BBC. **  
><strong>The song belongs to Within Temptetion *You should totally check them out!*<strong>

**On with the story!**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I've been left out alone like a damn criminal<br>I've been praying for help cause I can't take it all  
>I'm not done,<br>It's not over.**_

Merlin spent the first night of Gwaine's absence in their clearing. He sat there for the entire night and burned down the grass around him only to make it grow again, his dagger laid on the ground beside him, clean and untouched, he had to try.

He lasted three days without his dagger before it all went down.

* * *

><p>Merlin was walking slowly through the lower town, he was tired and sleep wasn't an option these days, when he saw the king and queen walking among the stalls. The king pointed at something in one of the stalls and the queen's laugh resonated through the market and Merlin's heart gave a painful twitch that made him gasp.<p>

He turned around and started running, doing his best not to bump into people.

His heart hammered in his chest when he finally reached his chambers and locked the door behind him, Gaius was gone and Merlin swallowed thickly, he needed to do something, he needed to… His hand reached out on its own accord and the dagger came floating towards him even as Merlin shook his head and tried to will it away.

"No…" Merlin whispered as he sank down to the floor with the dagger clutched in his hands. "I can't, I promised him, please no…" The first cut came as a surprise to him, he had no idea when he unsheathed the dagger.

The next cuts were easier, familiar and soon his arm was covered in them as his face were covered with tears treks.

"I'm so sorry Gwaine…" He mumbled as he made another cut. "So sorry."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Now I'm fighting this war since the day of the fall<br>And I'm desperately holding on to it all  
>But I'm lost<br>I'm so damn lost**_

When Morgana started attacking again Merlin was almost grateful, almost.

This time she was smarter, she didn't sent spies or anything grand, simple magic users, filled with hatred for Camelot just as she was and Merlin was the only one who noticed.

The first time it happened was completely by accident. Merlin was out on the battlements when he saw the dark figure climbing up the wall without any rope.

_Magic_. His mind whispered as he moved automatically towards the figure.

The would be assassin was really surprised when he saw Merlin's shadow towering over him as he landed over the wall and Merlin only waved his hand and he was pinned to the wall.

"Wha-" He started saying before Merlin silenced him.

"I'm asking the questions here." Merlin said and he was oddly calm about the way the man's eyes widened and filled with fear.

"I'm going to ask you questions and you are going to answer with 'yes' or 'no' understood?" The man nodded.

"Good. Morgana sent you?"

A nod.

"To spy?"

A shake.

"To kill the king?"

A nod.

"Did she tell you there is a magic user in court?"

A shake.

Merlin paused and considered, there was only one option really.

The man's dead body was found the next morning, it's neck broken and Gaius concluded that his rope simply wasn't strong enough.

"Merlin?" Gaius asked quietly that evening.

"Hmmm?" Merlin hummed back as he kept reading the book he 'borrowed' from the library.

"That man…" Gaius said and Merlin could feel his gaze on him so he lifted his eyes from his book.

"What about him?"

"His neck wasn't broken from the fall."

Merlin froze.

"Oh?"

"It was broken before he fall, that height would have been enough to break his leg or something, not his neck." Gaius carried on, cautiously.

"Maybe he was lucky." Merlin answered and got up from his seat near the fire, he needed his dagger.

"Merlin," Gaius warned. "Where were you last night?" He asked and Merlin could hear the unspoken question. _Did you do it?_

"Good night, Gaius." He said without turning around.

* * *

><p>He was more carful after that, no more broken necks or falling from high places.<p>

A stabbing wound in vital organs.

A beating that got out of hand, the book he found had plenty of ideas about that sort of thing.

It took Merlin two months to realize that something was deeply wrong with him, his dreams got worse, he dreamt about his father's death and Nimueh and the Lamia all the time now, the cutting wasn't enough and Merlin found himself walking closer and closer to the edge of the wall every night he patrolled there.

He had no idea what to do, he tried writing to Gwaine but he couldn't put it in words, how can you write your best friend that you have become a murderer of your own kin? That death no longer disturbs you and that most nights he almost wishes there would be another attempt so he could use his magic to end their lives? To end their lives like he could not end his _own_?

Gaius took to looking at him with concerned eyes and Merlin's heart clenched painfully when he saw him, but it was too much and he couldn't tell it.

Everything crushed down on him fully when he was faced with the next assassin.

"The rumors said you were ruthless." He spat as Merlin held the dagger to his neck.

"Oh?" Merlin simply said.

He has taken to wearing a mask over his face in case anything went wrong and the assassin wouldn't die until morning.

"Yeah, they said you were a heartless bastard." He drew a whizzing breath, his throat grazing the edge of Merlin's dagger.

A heartless bastard? Merlin let out a bitter laugh. If only they knew how _broken_ his heart is.

"Saying the people who are trying to kill the king, I really don't think you have the right to talk."

"I'm doing what needs to be done for our kin! Only with Pendragon's death can magic return to the land!" Merlin pressed the dagger harder and hissed in the man's face.

"Really? That's what the witch told you? That magic will return when she is queen?"

The man didn't answer but Merlin saw it in his eyes.

"She is lying, only death and destruction will follow if she will rule the land, magic users will never be free."

"And they are free now?" He asked, his voice quiet and defeated. "Are _you_ free now?"

Merlin turned his gaze away and steadied his hand, he won't show weakness to this man.

"Are you?" The man repeated. "Are you free? If your king, the same king you are murdering your own kin for, will know about your magic will he accept you? Embrace you in his arms and thank you for saving his life?" The man's voice rose in volumes and Merlin cast a silencing spell around them.

His heart hammered in his chest as images from his nightmares played themselves in his head.

Fire. Pyre. Axe. Noose. Burning. Falling. Dying.

"He won't and you know it, you will die and burn at that yard like every one of our kin did! You will die!"

Merlin looked at him and for a moment his hand wavered, the dagger moving back away from the man's throat.

Merlin closed his eyes momentarily, trying to push away the voices that kept calling him in his dreams.

_He will kneel at your feet…_

_So much power…._

_Join me…._

_Our right…._

_Our land…_

Your _destiny…_

His hand moved without his consent and the man was clutching at his throat as blood spilled onto the ground and he collapsed, his wide eyes staring at Merlin accusingly and Merlin broke.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Oh I wish it was over,<br>And I wish you were here**_

He left the body at the bottom of the wall and ran away, his eyes seeing nothing but the flames that rose around him.

He came to a stop at the bottom of the ledge, the familiar ledge that Merlin spent hours at talking to Kilgharrah and trying to save Camelot again.

He walked slowly down the stone steps and climbed on the stone perch that Kilgharrah used to sit on and stared ahead.

The sobs came without warning and soon Merlin's whole body shook with the cries of anguish that tore through him.

There was no one there this time though; no one to hold him as he trembled through his cries and no one to drag him back from the oblivion as his magic poured out in agony, his hands trembled as he pulled out his dagger only to drop it down when he saw that it was still covered in the man's blood.

Eventually the sobs quieted down and Merlin rocked himself back and forth on the stone ledge as he tried to calm his beating heart.

"I can't do it…" He quietly mumbled to the cavern around him, his voice echoing around him.

"I can't do it… Oh god I just can't…"

* * *

><p><em><strong>In the blink of an eye<br>I can see through your eyes  
>As I'm lying awake I'm still hearing the cries<br>And it hurts  
>Hurts me so bad<strong>_

Arthur was lost.

He had no idea where he went wrong but things with Merlin were not getting better. Arthur tried, he tried to talk to Merlin, tried to laugh with him, to give him less chores but nothing seemed to help, Merlin was more distant then ever and Arthur knew that somehow it was Gwaine's fault.

Merlin was missing him that much was certain but Arthur had no idea how to solve that, more importantly, he didn't want to solve that, he couldn't bear the thought of Merlin with anyone else and so he asked for Gwen's help.

Gwen suggested buying him a gift, as a thank you present of a sort, something that Arthur could give him before he told him he knew of his magic, before he told him he wanted to know everything. It all went good until he saw Merlin running away from the market after he spotted them.

He followed him and listened as Merlin cried in his rooms and he wanted to hold him so bad that he considered breaking down the door.

He took to watching Merlin more closely after that and that was how he found out about the dagger.

It was after another council meeting and Merlin was ordered to attend to him, Gaius wasn't present and Merlin looked like he was about to fall down any moment so Arthur closed the meeting early, following Merlin when he dashed from the room, in such a desperate manner that he didn't bother locking the door of the room he entered, leaving it open wide enough so that Arthur can _see_.

And Arthur saw.

He saw the dagger, glinting and sharp as Merlin unsheathed it from his boot.

He saw the anguished and broken look in Merlin's eyes as he took the dagger and pressed it to his arm.

He saw the tears as they poured down Merlin's face and unto the cuts, which healed again and again and _again_.

He saw the pool of blood that gathered around Merlin as he kept on cutting. Again and again and again.

And finally, he saw the broken smile that Merlin plastered on his face when he was done and wondered how could he have missed that.

_How on earth could he miss that?_

* * *

><p>"Arthur…" Gwen's soft voice wasn't doing nothing to calm his racing heart as he tried to understand how, how could Merlin have got to this state and he didn't notice?<p>

"What?" He rounded on her. "Are you going to tell me again that it's not my fault? He was cutting himself apart Gwen! Cutting!"

Gwen's eyes were filled with tears and suddenly Arthur remembered that Merlin was here friend too.

"I'm sorry Gwen, I shouldn't have, it's just…" He sighed and shook his head.

"I know, but we will help him, we'll tell Gaius and we will help him, he will be all right." She moved closer and hugged him.

"You will be all right."

Arthur shook his head as he hugged her tightly and screwed his eyes shut, Merlin's cries still echoing in his ears and his heart shrinking painfully.

* * *

><p><em><strong>And I'm wondering why I still fight in this life<br>'Cause I've lost all my faith in this damn bitter strife  
>And it's sad<br>It's so damn sad**_

"Merlin?" Gaius's soft voice carried through his door and Merlin groaned as pain ran through his arm, he found a spell, one that slowed down his body's healing process and there were now countless of cuts adorning his arm, Merlin gazed at them for a moment before Gaius's voice came again.

"Merlin?" Merlin heard the footsteps and dashed from his bed, looking around him for a shirt before Gaius opened the door and saw-

"I see you are up an-" Gaius stopped and Merlin closed his eyes and balled his fists, things in his room started shaking.

The door was closed and Gaius's hands grabbed Merlin's shoulder and gave him a good shake.

"What is that?" Gaius asked and Merlin knew that he was doing his best not to yell at him.

"Gaius, I-"

"Tell me it's not what I think it is, please tell me it's not…" His voice broke and he pulled Merlin into a crushing hug.

"You promised us," He whispered. "You promised Gwaine and me that you'll stop, that you stopped, Merlin…" Merlin swallowed and hugged Gaius's form back his own breath coming in short gasps as he felt himself losing control.

"I, I just, I'm not..." He started and then it was too late, he was crying in Gaius's arms and mumbling half incoherent sentences as Gaius stroked his back and hugged him even tighter.

"Slow down my boy, please, whatever it is I'm here, please just talk to me…"

Merlin took a few deep breaths and looked at Gaius, the old man was looking at him with such concern and love that he couldn't tell him everything, not about the murders at least, but he could tell him something.

"It's just, the dreams, they won't go away and I keep dreaming about my death, I keep dreaming about the pyre and the axe and well, it's true isn't it?" He said as he rose up and started pacing in his small room, Gaius listening intently for every word.

"What's true my boy?" He asked when Merlin didn't talk again.

"He will kill me. After everything I did; and everything I sacrificed for him he would kill me the moment he knows." Merlin took a deep breath and looked at Gaius, his eyes wet.

"This destiny they keep talking about, it will _never_ happen, he will be just like his father."

"Merlin-"

"No! He was raised to hate magic Gaius! His father died because of magic, his own sister went mad with it and you still believe he will bring it back?"

Merlin's chest was heaving and his head hurt.

"This destiny… I'm tired of it." He said softly before the world turned black.

Gaius rushed to catch him before he hit the floor.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I feel you fading away<br>'Cause your soul is on fire  
>A shot in the dark,<br>What did they aim for when they missed your heart?**_

"Well?" Arthur said and hoped that his voice wasn't as shaken as he felt.

"He will be all right, I," Gaius hesitated and Arthur rolled his eyes.

"I know of his magic Gaius, it's okay."

"How-" Gaius started but Arthur raised his hand.

"Doesn't matter." He said briskly.

Gaius's eyebrow rose in his forehead but he said nothing more, glancing at Merlin's pale form on the bed.

"I took off the magic he used to stop his body from healing, his cuts will leave no sign sire."

"Good, what else?"

"I have given him the strongest potion I have for dreamless sleep but I'm afraid it will not do much good, Merlin's magic is…" Gaius trailed off.

"Is-" Arthur encouraged him.

"Extremely powerful, once he is rested a bit I'm afraid he will be up again and this time it will not be easy to convince him to lie down." He finished gravely and sat down heavily next to his ward.

"How long?" Arthur asked and looked at Merlin's face, pale and bruised, with dark circles under his eyes.

How long has it been going on?

How long has he been on that edge?

How long did he go through all of this _alone_?

How long was he fading away from them without anyone noticing?

Gaius gave him a hard look and Arthur recoiled as if stung.

"Since Gwaine." He said and Arthur looked away.

"He was having the nightmares and apparently the cutting after the incident with sir Lancelot, Gwaine, Gwaine was there for him and for the time I thought he will be all right." Gaius sighed and caressed Merlin's hair softly.

"But then he was sent away and Merlin was…" Gaius shook his head.

"I thought he will be all right, he didn't say anything and he wasn't screaming in his sleep anymore and-" Gaius's shoulders slouched. "I should have known he was using a silencing spell! I should have looked after him better, I should have-"

"No." Arthur said and his voice shook.

"I should have, I should have done so many things differently. I should have-"

A knock on the door interrupted him and Gaius rose to answer the door, leaving Arthur alone with Merlin's sleeping form.

Arthur swallowed down the lump in his throat as he looked at his friend, his love's pale and bruised face.

"I should have thanked you after this whole mass, I should have told you I love you, I should have told you the real reason why I'm marrying Gwen, I should have been there for you."

Arthur pressed his forehead to Merlin's and breathed in his smell.

"I'm so sorry my love, for everything you have been through, I'll make it up for you, I swear."

* * *

><p><em><strong>I breathe underwater<br>**__**It's all in my hands  
>What can I do?<br>Don't let it fall apart  
>A shot in the dark<strong>_

Merlin was floating.

There was nothing around him, just darkness and silence and it felt nice, it felt like falling asleep in the snow, back when Gwaine saved him, or destroyed him, depends on how you looked at it.

Merlin tried to open his eyes only to see everything had a bluish look, and things were swaying from side to side like they were…

underwater…

Suddenly Merlin couldn't breathe, he withered and gasped and clawed at his own throat as he tried to take a deep breath.

_Emrys_

The sound came from all around him and Merlin stopped struggling so he could listen more closely.

_Emrys, come_

And Merlin floated up and up until he was out of the water and on the shore, he recognized the lake, it was the same one Arthur nearly drowned in because of the Sideh and the lake he buried Freya and Lance and-

"Emrys." The voice repeated and Merlin turned around to see Alator.

"Alator?" Merlin croaked and coughed again as his throat burned.

Alator stood there silently and waited.

"What are you doing here?" Merlin whispered eventually.

Alator shrugged. "It was the only way to contact you safely."

"What? In my dreams? Or err, nightmares really?"

Alator nodded. "We need your help Emrys."

Merlin let out a humorless laugh. "Don't you see what's going on? I'm losing my mind, I know that much, I spent the last several months murdering our kin and cutting myself in my free time! I don't think I can help you Alator, not now."

"They were not our kin," Alator said gravely. "Sent by the witch to destroy you and the young Pendragon, they were nothing but magic users sent forth to bring destruction and pain."

Merlin averted his eyes. "They were still humans and I killed them."

Alator nodded. "You did what you had to do Emrys, the witch cannot succeed in her mission."

Merlin sighed and sat down on the grass.

"What do you want Alator?"

"Your help."

"Yes," Merlin agreed and looked at him. "You said that, but my help with what?"

"The witch united her forces with the druid boy-"

"Mordred?" Merlin was on his feet in no time.

"Indeed. She plans on attacking my city and force me to tell her about your true identity." Alator said with a solemn look on his face.

"My identity? But Mordred knows it! Why didn't he tell her?"

"I do not know the mind of the druid boy, but my people, your people are in need of your help."

Merlin shook his head.

"_My_ people? I can't help myself! This is not my destiny anymore Alator, the prophecy was wrong, I can't do it!" His arm was itching and Merlin knew that on his real body his magic was fixing his arms.

"You are far more strong than you think Emrys." He said and stared at Merlin, his blue eyes unwavering.

"I can't, I-"

"Your dreams," Alator started and Merlin whirled around and stared at him.

"What?" He said shakily.

"I know of their origin."

"Tell me." Merlin asked. "Please."

"You are abandoning your destiny," Alator said slowly and Merlin stared at him silently, he was after all doing just that. "The dreams are destiny's way of punishing you for doing that." He finished and looked at Merlin.

"Destiny is punishing me? For abandoning it?"

"Indeed."

Bile rose in Merlin's mouth and he bend over to empty his stomach on the grass.

He could never be free…

"And if I keep on ignoring my destiny?"

"Then you shall be tormented for the rest of your life." Alator said in a grave tone.

"It's not going to be so long by this rate." Merlin said in a choked voice.

"Please Emrys," Alator pleaded again. "Your people need you, destiny need you."

"Destiny needs a poppet to play with." He spat bitterly.

Alator said nothing.

"And if I help you, and I'll kill Morgana and Mordred will destiny leave me alone?"

"It will."

Merlin looked at him for a moment before nodding.

"I will do it then."

Alator smiled widely.

"I will come in three days Emrys, farewell until then."

Merlin woke up gasping to a darkened room.

* * *

><p><strong>The end of another chapter, this one was more tricky, I rewritten it at least four times before I was happy with it,<strong>  
><strong>so, tell me what you think and if you liked it!<strong>

**Much love!**


	4. Lion's roar

**So, A new chapter is here and I'm so sorry for the delay, it should have been up ages ago but alas, my muse decided that thinking about other things is better, but it's here now and I hope you'll enjoy it, it's a bit shorter *or a lot* than the other chapters but that is because the next one will be a bit longer. Anyway, thanks again to all those who favorited and alerted and to those dear people who left a comment. Thank you and I love you all!**

**Disclaimer: The boys aren't mine, if they were... *drifts off to that fantasy world* The songs this time are:  
>1. The lion's roar- First aid kid *Awesome! Awesome! Awesome! Go and check them out!*<strong>

**2. My immortal- evanescence *well, you should really know how awesome they are by now pfff***

**And without further delay:**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Now the pale morning sings of forgotten things<br>she plays a tune for those who wish to overlook  
>the fact that they've been blindly deceived<br>by those who preach and pray and teach**_

The morning mists twirled around Merlin's boots as he stood in the middle of the meadow and waited. The sun was barely above the horizon and Merlin shivered in his thin tunic.

"What's taking him so long?" He mumbled to himself as he scoffed the edge of his boot on a small rock nearby.

He sighed and sat down, lifting his head towards the sky and squinting at the sky, the soft wind drove the clouds from one side of the sky to the other and Merlin smiled softly, he remembered better times, back in Ealdor when he and Will used to sit next to the pond and play with the clouds, Merlin would change their shapes and Will would laugh when he created dragons and knights.

He swallowed and stared at the ground again, Will was dead and Merlin has had enough of dragons and knights.

A sudden gust of wind signaled Kilgharrah's arrival and Merlin stood up.

"You summoned me young warlock?" The dragon asked and Merlin had a suspicious feeling that he already knew why.

"Yes. There are several things I need to ask you."

The dragon was silent for a moment before he sighed and lowered his head.

"And those would be?"

"I had a visit from Alator," Merlin started and Kilgharrah simply stared. "He said a couple of interesting things."

"Such as?"

"The reason for my dreams," Merlin said calmly even though he was anything but.

"I know the reason for your dreams Merlin, even a fool would have known." The dragon mocked and Merlin's control snapped.

"How dare you?" He screamed. "I'm not a puppet to destiny's will! I will not be tormented by it for choosing my-"

"You have a destiny that you must fulfill warlock!" Kilgharrah boomed. "You can't break down over patty things such as-"

"I have a right to choose my path!" Merlin yelled and his eyes flared gold as he forced Kilgharrah to submission.

"I have the right to choose my path as I see fit, destiny has no right to do that!" He was breathing hard and his hands were curled to white knuckled fists.

"You may wish to choose your own path young warlock but if it will not lead to the desired result in destiny's eyes than it is not a path to be taken."

Merlin threw his hands in the air and screamed his frustrations.

"I'm losing my mind!" He told Kilgharrah. "Is that part of destiny's plan? Is that part of her path for me? How can I fulfill my destiny when I'm mad?"

The dragon was silent for a while as the sun climbed higher in the sky and Merlin's breathing slowed down.

"I trusted you." Merlin said quietly. "I trusted you and you, you lied to me, all the way, Nimueh and… and… my destiny with Arthur and this whole thing about two sides and…you knew about my dreams, you knew what I was suffering yet you chose to hide things from me, hide things from your dragon lord, you-" A sob broke free from Merlin's throat and he took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

* * *

><p><em><strong>But don't you come here and say I didn't warn you<br>About the way your world can alter  
>And oh how you try to command it all still<br>Every single time it all shifts one way or the other**_

Kilgharrah regarded him with golden eyes a few moments before he answered.

"I did what was necessary for your destiny to begin. I've never lied to you Merlin, you refused to listen! How dare you accuse me of lying when I told you a long time ago that the witch must never find out about her powers? Or the destiny of the druid boy?"

He stopped and lowered his head so he was face to face with a silent Merlin.

"I've always been on your side Merlin, but you rarely listened." He finished quietly.

Merlin swallowed and nodded.

"You tried to build your own path despite my warnings, you thought you could control it all and change things that have been written long before any of us, you were mistaken Merlin and now…"

Merlin lifted his head and stared in Kilgharrah.

"Destiny succeeded." He simply said and started walking.

"I will assist Alator and destroy the witch and Mordred, after that, my path will be written by me."

And with that he left the meadow.

Kilgharrah looked after him before his mouth curved into the resemblance of a smile.

"Very good young warlock." He mumbled before he flew away.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Well I guess sometimes I wish you were a little more predictable<br>That I could read you just like a book  
>For now I can only guess what's coming next<br>By examining your timid smile**_

Merlin was planning something. That much was clear.

Arthur talked with Gaius and Gwen and they both agreed that Merlin was seemingly back to himself, he smiled at everyone and the smile reached his eyes, he talked to Gwen and he even bantered with Arthur this morning!

Gaius confirmed that he didn't scream again in the night since his collapsing and, well, that was sign enough that he was up to something.

"So Merlin," Arthur started on the morning of the third day since Merlin collapsed.

"Yes sire?" Merlin answered while he fluffed the pillows on Arthur's bed.

"How about a hunt tomorrow?"

Merlin froze for a moment before he carried on.

"I don't feel like hunting _sire_," Merlin said and Arthur's heart sped when he noticed a smile tugging at the corners of Merlin's mouth.

"Well. It's a good thing than that I don't care what you feel regarding the hunt now isn't it?" Arthur teased.

"Prat." Merlin mumbled not so quietly before he spread the upper cover with a flourish. "There. Done." He then turned around and stared at Arthur for a moment before the smile came again and Arthur noted that his eyes actually sparkled.

"I'll tell you what, your _highness_," Merlin said with a small bow. "I'll come to the hunt tomorrow if you'll give me the rest of the day off." He finished with a smirk.

Arthur scoffed and pretended to be outraged.

"_Mer_lin! Is that the way to address your king? By presenting him with conditions?"

Merlin pretended to think about it before he shrugged. "Yeah."

Arthur sighed. "Alright, you can have the rest of the day off, but I expect to see you tomorrow bright and early!"

Merlin's smile widened and he nodded eagerly. "Bright and early!" He sing-songed as he left the room.

Thinking about it, Arthur should have followed him.

* * *

><p><em><strong>These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real<br>There's just too much that time cannot erase**_

Merlin felt better than he had in months, since he declared his intention to Kilgharrah regarding his destiny it felt as though a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders and lounges and he could breathe again.

He managed to speak with Gwen again and even smiled like he used to do, he noticed the approving glances he got and that only made his smile turn bigger.

He did his best to act like his old self around Arthur even though his heart bled a bit more whenever he smiled at him and Arthur smiled back, his eyes sparkling with joy.

The hunting offer was unexpected but it fit perfectly into Merlin's plan, he needed a way to convince Arthur to give him a day off and that opportunity simply presented itself to him, it would seem as though destiny was approving of his behavior after all this time.

As dusk began to settle on Camelot Merlin left the library with a mountain of books, everything from medicine to the more dark side of the magical arts, he needed to be ready for everything Morgana and Mordred might throw at him.

As the sun set everything was ready and Merlin waited for Gaius to fall asleep so he could leave.

Three candle marks after midnight Merlin crept past a sleeping Gaius into the main room, the letter to the old man held tightly in his hand, he couldn't say goodbye to Gaius face to face but he owed it to the old man to try and explain himself, he knew it was the cowards way out but he had no choice.

"And where do you think you're going my boy?" Gaius's soft voice questioned from behind him just as he was putting the letter.

"I…" Merlin started and then stopped and sighed, turning around he presented Gaius with the letter and gave a sad little smile. "There's something I have to do and I… I couldn't…" The reality of it all crushed down on him and all these last months summed up to one single truth:  
>He was leaving Camelot, probably for good.<p>

"I'm leaving Gaius." Merlin told him quietly and Gaius sighed.

"I figured that much out my boy, where?" He said and took another step towards Merlin.

"Alator asked for my help and I agreed." He couldn't tell him everything.

Gaius was silent for a moment before he spoke again. "Will you be back?"

Merlin paused for a moment and then shook his head.

"I don't think I can Gaius, there are, there are too many memories here and I… I can't take it anymore, it's too-" His voice broke down a bit. "It's too much." He finished with a whisper.

Gaius crossed the distance between them with surprising speed and Merlin was enveloped in a tight hug.

"My boy." Was the only thing he said before he released his hold and turned around, walking back to his bed.

Merlin heaved a sigh and left.

* * *

><p><em><strong>And the lion's roar, the lion's roar<br>Is something that I have heard before  
>A children's tale, the lonesome wail of a lion's roar<strong>_

"We'll be there in a week sire." Leon said as Arthur stood silently and watched over the hills as they bathed in moonlight.

"Thank you Leon." Arthur said quietly without removing his eyes from the hills, a rumble of thunder could be heard in the distance.

"Sire, do you think… Do you think that…" Leon paused again, hesitating.

"What?"

"The druids, sire, do you think they'll be hostile towards us?"

"They have no quarrel with us Sir Leon." Their guide said.

After Gaius told them that Merlin left and with whom Arthur gathered his knights and they all agreed to join him and get Merlin back.

Their guide, Alomar, was an old friend of Gaius, one who knew the old roads and traveled far into the land.

"What does it mean?"

Alomar was silent for a moment before he spoke.

"The druids are peaceful my lord, they will not harm even when threatened, it's not their nature."

"I've seen druids who killed." Arthur said quietly and thought about Alavar.

Alomar sighed. "There are always those who are exceptional sire as I'm sure you are well aware of that."

Arthur turned around and stared at the old man. "Merlin." He said simply.

Alomar nodded. "He isn't an official druid but he is one of us, Emrys in our language. We have many prophecies about him, and you, sire." He added as an afterthought.

"I heard this name before," Arthur said as he moved back towards the fire, the sleeping forms of his knights sprawled around it.

"It's not a wonder, your highness. There are many myths regarding Emrys."

"Really?" Leon asked from Arthur's side, his eyes bright with curiosity.

"Indeed. Some say that Emrys is the epitome of all that is good in this world, his light is bright and brilliant and blinding all the same."

Leon seemed shocked for a moment before he turned to Arthur. "And that is our Merlin?"

Arthur chuckled. "It would seem so."

"What else?" Leon asked again, eager to learn more about their friend.

"Well-" Alomar started to say when a sudden howl interrupted him and he turned his eyes towards the moonlight hills.

"Wolves." Arthur said calmly.

"Under a full moon's light

When the wolves howl into the night

Emery's light will shine bright

And destiny will be sat to right."

Alomar finished his rhyme and stared ahead, his eyes unfocussed.

The wolves howled again and Arthur shivered, despite the fire.

"Alomar?" Leon's voice sounded worried and Arthur turned to look at the old man.

Alomar fixed his eyes on them and gave a small smile, almost sad.

"It has begun."

Was all he said.

* * *

><p><strong>So... yeah. That was it and now it's your job to tell me how it was! *liftes her pre-made sign that goes: Pretty please?*<strong>


	5. Sound the bugle

So... This is the one before the last part of this and it's been a tough one to write... Thanks as usual for those who favorited and alerted and commented and special thanks for **_limnamae_**whose comment made me laugh so hard that my muse decided to come back and finish her job. So thank you very much!

Disclaimer: The boys aren't mine and neither is the son which belongs to Bryan adams and is called 'sound the bugle'

Enjoy!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sound the bugle now... play it just for me<br>As the seasons change... remember how I used to be**__**  
><strong>__**Now I can't go on...I can't even star**__**t**__**  
>I've got nothing left... just an empty heart<strong>_

The night was dark when Merlin made his way out of Camelot and into the forest, his cloak wrapped tightly around him in a feeble attempt to fend off the cold.

He hitched his satchel higher on his shoulder and moved on, doing his best not to think too much, not to feel anything, just to move on, keep on trudging through the dirt that led to the forest and ignore the stabs of pain his heart kept sending along with his blood to course through his body.

He couldn't help himself however as he reached the edge of the woods and turned around, staring back at Camelot.

The city was magnificent in the moon's soft light and Merlin let out a shuddering breath and blinked away the tears, for the last four years this has been his home, this was where his friends were and family, where he fought and loved and lost..

_Where he lost so much…_

He thought about Gaius and hoped that the old man will be okay, that eventually he will be able to forgive Merlin for messing up his life so thoroughly, for hurting him so much.

He hoped that Gaius will remember him as the young, naïve, little boy that stumbled into his workshop all that time ago, a boy who believed the goodness in people, innocent and not a _murderer_.

As he turned around and made his way into the forest he wondered how Arthur will remember him, and Gwen. Will they miss him? Will they be happy? Sad? Will they notice?

He shook his head and tried to banish the tears that sprang to his eyes the moment he thought about Arthur, his body might be leaving Camelot but his heart? His heart will always stay there, right by Arthur's side.

He walked a few meters until he reached a clearing, it was empty now but Merlin knew better, he felt them coming and so he waited.

He sat on the frozen ground and mumbled a quiet spell, a blue orb of light sprung to life and Merlin gave a small smile, it was his favorite spell, ever since it saved Arthur from Nimueh all that time ago.

"Emrys." Alator's voice was gruff and grave. "You have come."

Merlin rose swiftly and tightened his hold on his staff.

"Of course I came, I gave you my word."

Alator nodded and gestured for his companion to move forward.

"My friend," He started and gestured to a massive man that reminded Merlin of Percy. "Andorra." Merlin nodded in acknowledgment. "Pleasure to meet you Andorra." He said with a small smile.

"It is an honor to stand by your side Emrys," Andorra started. "As we defeat the witch and the druid."

Merlin nodded and his mouth thinned to a tight, white line.

"Have no doubt Andorra, we will defeat them."

"The people do not question you Emrys," Alator assured him and Merlin nodded.

"We must go now."

And as the sun rose Merlin turned one last time to watch as Camelot bathed in the sun light and he hoped that he will be able to save them all for the last time.

* * *

><p>Three days later they stopped at the edge of a small river and Merlin sat silently while Alator and Andorra stared at the map.<p>

"What's wrong?" He asked eventually when it became clear that they were too afraid? Shy? Something of that sort to talk to him.

"We must make a detour Emrys, the witches' spies are swarming the area, looking for anyone they can find and…" He trailed off and Merlin's eyes narrowed.

"And?" He encouraged Alator to resume his speaking.

"And question them Lord Emrys." Andorra said softly and Merlin frowned.

"By question them you mean torture?" He asked again, wanting to be sure, needing the final proof that the Morgana he once knew was no longer alive.

"Indeed." Alator confirmed in a grave voice and Merlin looked at him and remembered Gaius.

"Has it happened before?" Merlin asked as he rose from his seat and started pacing.

"We have been under siege for the last two months Emrys, she and the druid boy are doing anything they can to weaken our power and resolve to stand by your side."

Merlin frowned. "She tried to convince you to turn me in? In exchange for your lives?"

The silence that followed was louder than words and Merlin clenched his fists.

"She will pay for this." He muttered angrily as he turned on them.

"Where is their camp? Where do they keep our people that were taken?"

He didn't miss the pleased look that passed on Alator's features as he called them 'his people' and he gave a small smile in return.

"Here" Andorra said and pointed to a small spot on the map. Merlin leaned in and took a close look.

"Right. How long is it until we reach the city? We can't take on her camp by ourselves."

"Two days."

Merlin nodded. "We will get to the city and then we will get our people back."

* * *

><p>When they finally reached the city it was a very different experience then arriving in Camelot four years ago. For starts Merlin wasn't alone and afraid, Alator and Andorra were a comforting presence near him.<p>

The second different was the people's reactions, in Camelot, Merlin was just another country boy who reached the big city, but in here, he was royalty, quite literally, people bound to him on the streets and he heard the children running ahead of him with excited yells of "Emrys is here!" "Emrys has come for us!" "He is here!" and back at him begging to be shown a bit of magic.

Merlin felt the smile climbing up his face and staying there as he made his way through the streets and towards the palace. When they reached there, Alator stopped him with a gentle hand on his shoulder and signaled him to stay.

"My people!" His voice rang across the court yard and the excited voices dimmed a bit. "Emrys has agreed to help us and get rid of the witch and the druid boy!"

The crowd cheered and Merlin smiled and waved, trying to imitate Arthur as he was addressing his people. He swallowed back the pain that that thought brought him.

"My people," He started and the happy cheers that that brought on was louder than anything he has ever heard. "I know you have suffered, I know that the witch has been harming your life and your freedom for the last two months, I know you have been suffering for me," _because of me_, he thought bitterly.

"And I thank you for that." The cheers went up again and he had to shout his next words over the noise to be heard. "And I promise you that I will make sure it will end now! She will not torment us anymore!"

The crowd went wild and Alator smiled and led Merlin away. Inside the palace the corridors were silent as they made their way to another room. Entering the palace's great hall, Alator closed the door after them and smiled at Merlin.

"That was a very good speech Emrys; you give the people hope for a better future."

Merlin stood silent for several moments before he shook his head.

"Hope won't help them against the witch, we need information, I need to know what our people told her."

"I will arrange my man to go and-"

"No," Merlin cut him off. "I told you we would get them out of there and we will, I trust you and Andorra are going with me?"

Alator nodded.

"Good, than I need only one more, your best man, someone we can trust not to run away if things get nasty."

Alator smiled. "I have the perfect person for this."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Without a light, I fear that I will stumble in the dark<br>Lay right down and decide not to go on**_

Merlin waited outside the city, already mounted on his horse, it was darkening soon and Merlin knew they need to get going and fast.

"Where is your man Alator?" He asked irritated.

"He will be here shortly Emrys." Alator said in a calm voice.

A moment later a horse arrived and Merlin turned to glance at him, broad shoulders was the only thing Merlin could figure out of the man because of his cloak.

"Right, is he your man?" Merlin turned to look at Alator.

Alator nodded.

"Then let's go." Merlin kicked his horse and spurred it to move, trying to squish the feeling that it should be Arthur leading something like this and not Merlin, Merlin should be somewhere by his side, watching and vigilant but always invisible, always.

Arthur was the tactician, he knew what to do when they needed to attack something, Merlin had no idea what he was doing, he was leading them all to their deaths! He should have refused, he should have-

"So what's the plan?" The stranger asked and Merlin didn't bother looking at him.

"Would you feel bad if I told you I had no idea and I have full intention to improvise?" Merlin answered instead.

The man was silent for a moment before he started laughing, loud and happy.

"You never change Merlin." He said with a warm voice and Merlin ground his horse to a stop and stared at the man who stopped next to him, still hooded.

"How do you know my name?" He asked suspiciously.

"Everyone knows your name."

"No." Merlin said. "They know me as Emrys, they will never call me Merlin, who are you?"

The stranger sighed for a moment before he pushed his hood off his head.

Merlin's eyes widened and he started shaking his head.

"No. No, that's not, no. You can't-"

"Merlin, it is me, I'm back, for good."

Merlin couldn't breathe, this couldn't be happening, this couldn't be, he was dead, he was _dead_!

"Emrys?" Alator's voice broke Merlin out of his trance and he turned to look at him.

"Is he a shade?" Was the first thing that popped out of his mouth because surely that was the only explanation?

"I'm not a shade Merlin." Lancelot's voice was warm and calm and happy.

"I'm really here and-"

"How?" Merlin cut him off. "You died. I saw that, I burned your body!" He yelled, because that moment returned to hunt him every night for months after that.

"I know, I know, but listen to me Merlin, I'm me, I'm here and this time I'm not going to jump into some stupid veil and neither do you." Lance reached for him and Merlin pulled away.

"We have a job to do." He said quickly. "If you'll betray us," He added with venom in his voice. "I_ will_ kill you, no matter how much you look like Lance or act like him, understood?" Merlin's eyes were hard and glinting and Lance nodded.

"Yes."

They rode in silence and Merlin tried to ignore the man beside him, his thoughts were running around in circles and he had no idea what to do.

Eventually they reached the camp and stopped just at the edge of the woods, dismounting their horses and looking into the dark camp.

"Anyone see something?" Merlin whispered.

"Nothing." Came Lance's answer and Merlin ignored the way his mind kept replaying their first meeting, with the Griffin on their heels.

"Andorra?"

"It seems as if it's empty Emrys." Was Andorra's response.

"Right," Merlin said and rose slowly to his feet. "We are going in, watch your back."

And they walked slowly into the camp, Merlin's hand gripped the staff and both Andorra and Lance unsheathed their swords.

The camp was abandoned and Merlin's heart thumped loudly in his ears, he was too late and now they were dead, he failed them, they were wrong to trust him, to sacrifice their lives, to-

"Merlin," Lance's voice carried on the wind in a whisper. "Come here, you need to look at this."

Merlin walked slowly towards him, too afraid of what he will find but aware that he had no choice.

"What am I looking at Lance?" Merlin asked, confused as he glanced down at the warm coals.

"They didn't kill them. Merlin, we missed them, they moved on!"

Merlin's knees wobbled and he sat down on the nearest log; Lance rushed to his side and offered him a water skin.

"Are you allright?" He asked with concern marring his voice.

"Yeah, I just…" Merlin sighed and passed a hand through his hair.

"It's been a tough couple of months." He added quietly.

Lance nodded and put his hand hesitantly on Merlin's knee.

"Alator told me some of it, I'm… I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Merlin, I-"

"You were dead, are dead, that's, that's really messed up Lance, how on earth are you alive?"

"Well-"

"Emrys," Alator's voice cut Lance off and both man looked up to look at him.

"Yes?" Merlin asked as he rose from the log, the sun breaking the darkness of the night over the hills.

"We should return to the city, we can use magic to track our people down."

"Right." Merlin agreed and they made their way back to the horses.

* * *

><p>Merlin was looking over the city from the balcony when Lance found him; Alator was busy looking for their missing people using a spell Merlin gave him.<p>

"Merlin?" He asked softly.

Merlin didn't turn around. "I keep thinking that I will wake up and it would all be a dream, I would still be in my room with my blood pouring out and-"

"Wait, what?" Lance cut him off and Merlin turned to look at him.

"What are you talking about Merlin? What blood? Wasn't Gwaine supposed to look after you? I will kill him!"

Merlin gave a soft smile and nodded. "Yeah, you are Lance allright, I'll tell you what," He said and entered the room, closing the door behind him. "You'll tell me your story and I'll tell you mine."

Lance nodded and they sat down on the rug near the fire, keeping the cold at bay.

"When I went through the veil I was, I passed to the underworld, immediately, and that's where I was until Morgana pulled me out."

Merlin flinched. "Yeah, it was… yeah."

"Right. Anyway, after you set me free I traveled back to the underworld only to find out I could not enter again."

"What?" Merlin frowned. "But I sat you free!" He protested.

"Yes, yes you did, but once a soul leaves the underworld it can't return and so I went on, to the afterlife, but they refused to take me, saying that I committed crimes that were unforgivable." Lance bowed his head in shame and Merlin rubbed his back comfortingly.

"It wasn't you, Lance, it wasn't you."

"It didn't matter, I couldn't enter the afterlife and I was bound to spend the rest of my eternity wandering around on earth, as a ghost."

Merlin stared into the flames for a long time before he could look at Lance again.

"I'm sorry, so sorry." He said eventually.

"What for?" Lance asked as he smiled a bit. "It's not your fault, none of it, despite your insistence on taking all the blame."

Merlin snorted despite himself. "Right, we'll discuss that later."

Lance nodded and grinned. "Actually, you are the reason I'm alive today Merlin!" He announced happily.

"Okay," Merlin said slowly. "And how is that?"

"You see, when I got back to earth I looked for you, your magic left a signature of a sort of you in me and I could find you through it, but I was a bit wrong in my calculations and ended up with Alator, by that time he already vowed to serve you and therefore your magic was already around him-"

"Wait, wait, what?" Merlin's head was spinning with all the new information and he had to stop and breathe.

"When I found Alator, he told me of an ancient ritual that could bring me back to earth, seeing as none of the afterlives wanted a hold of my spirit all we needed was a body to alter for me and that would be it!" Lance was smiling happily and Merlin had to smile with him.

"So, no life for a life business?" He had to make sure.

"Nothing, Alator made sure of that."

"So, who's body have you taken?"

"Well, that is where you get in, we tracked you down and found you when you were facing Agravaine in the caves and, well… yeah."

Merlin took a moment to digest that before he started laughing.

"Agravaine?" He asked as tears of laughter flew from his eyes.

"You took Agravaine's body? Oh that's just, that's just-"

"Justice? Revenge? After everything he did-"

"And then? Why didn't you come back?"

"How could I?" Lance asked sadly. "The last time any of you saw me I committed treason and betrayed my king, I-" He broke off and stopped, taking a sip from his mulled wine. "I couldn't stand it and stayed here."

Merlin nodded and they were silent for a long time while the fire ate happily at the logs.

"It's okay." He said eventually.

"No, it's really not. You needed me and I wasn't there, and I'm sorry for that."

Merlin sighed and lifted his eyes to look at Lance. "There was nothing you could have done, I was a lost cause since the first time you stepped into that veil."

"Don't say that Merlin. You are never a lost cause, I told you once that you were the bravest of us all and it's still true."

"I used to cut myself Lance; how is that brave?"

Lance was quiet for a while before he turned to Merlin again.

"So what happened? I mean, Alator told me what's going on from time to time but, we had no idea, Gwaine?" He trailed off as Merlin took a deep breath.

"After you were gone Arthur banished Gwen and well, he was insufferable after that, combine that with the fact that Morgana kept planning something and I had my hands full, it got a bit too much and by the time we got Camelot back after Morgana's latest attempt I was half way to maddens." Merlin stopped and took a large gulp of his own goblet.

"He married her after that, and I couldn't be there, it was too much and I just, I crumbled."

"Oh Merlin…" Lance said softly and pulled him in for a hug. "I know, I heard of their wedding and I, I wish I could be there for you."

Merlin let loose a bitter laugh. "With all due respect Lance, if you were there I don't think there would have been a wedding."

Lance ducked his head and sighed. "I wouldn't have come between them again."

"Right." Merlin said. "So that night, Gwaine told me that you told him and I just couldn't stop it, he became my rock, my light in the darkness, I even stopped cutting for a while." Merlin rubbed absent mindedly at his arm and Lance grabbed his hand.

"And?" He encouraged him.

"And then Arthur decided that sending Gwaine as an ambassador is a good idea and he was gone." Merlin finished bitterly; the pain of that time was still sharp in his mind.

"He sent him as an ambassador?" Lance asked, confused. "But he is a knight! That makes no sense!"

"I know, but he refused to budge and well, I couldn't fight too much."

"Oh Merlin…" Lance said softly and Merlin snorted.

"I'm allright now Lance, It was hard but I got through with it."

"By cutting again?" Lance asked; discontent visible in his tone.

"That and killing my kin who were sent by Morgana to make attempts on Arthur's life."

"They weren't your kin Merlin; Alator told me about it, you did what you had to do."

"I became a murderer for him, Lance; there is nothing more to it."

"No. You are not a murderer Merlin. You are their knight, they just don't know it yet."

"Nor will they ever know." Merlin concluded as he rose from his seat.

"How come?" Lance rose after him and followed him back to the table.

"Arthur will never know about my magic. He will never accept me."

"Have you tried telling him?"

Merlin let out a bitter laugh. "I'm still alive Lance; you can figure the answer alone."

Lance was silent for a long moment before he moved swiftly and enveloped Merlin in a hug.

"You aren't alone anymore Merlin, I'm here."

* * *

><p>"Something is wrong here." Lance whispered as they crouched down in the trees line near the camp.<p>

"You mean other than the fact we are about to storm one of Morgana's camp with the possibility of meeting her or Mordred or both?"

"Yes other than that Merlin." Lance retorted. "It's quiet, can't you hear?"

Merlin glanced around him and noticed that yes, it was extremely quiet, more than it was supposed to be in this time of the night.

"Is it possible that they spotted us?" Merlin whispered and Alator turned to look at him.

"The glamour I have put upon us is not easily penetrated Emrys, and I would have known if someone managed to do so."

"Right. So it _is_ a trap." Merlin concluded and sighed, luck was not on his side.

"It would seem so." Andorra said.

"Merlin?" Lance whispered. "What do you want to do?"

"Walk right into it of course." Merlin said with false cheerfulness. "What else can we do?"

Lance rose slowly to his feet as he followed Merlin down the hill.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe going back and avoiding certain death?"

Merlin turned slightly and smirked. "You don't know me as well anymore Lance, certain death is my kind of thing now."

If it was a trap, Merlin thought, Morgana didn't plan it right, the sorcerers she left behind were extremely weak and even Lance had no problems avoiding their attacks.

"Look for our people!" Merlin yelled at Alator as he knocked another sorcerer to the ground.

"I found them!" Came Andorra's call from his right and Merlin smiled widely as he knocked all the remaining sorcerers off their feet.

"Let's go!" Lance called as he helped Alator and Andorra to pick their people unto a wagon.

"Be right there!" Merlin yelled back before he grabbed one of the nearest sorcerers and looked at him, the man was frightened and Merlin smirked, knowing his mask was a terrifying sight to these who heard about him.

"Tell the witch that Emrys has come for her." He said simply before knocking the man unconscious.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Then from on high, somewhere in the distance There's a voice that calls,<br>"Remember who you are... if you lose yourself,  
>Your courage soon will follow,<br>So be strong tonight... remember who you are"**_

__"How are they?" Merlin asked softly after Alator finished checking the last one of their man.

"They'll survive, they were badly tortured but… nothing more."

Merlin nodded. "Good. I want to question them as soon as they are capable of answering."

"Of course my lord." Alator said with a small bow as Merlin moved away.

He walked back to his rooms and released the air he had no idea he was holding only after the door was closed behind him.

"That was impressive." Lance commented from the table.

"Yeah?" Merlin said weakly as he slide down to sit on the floor, his hands shaking.

"Very leader like." Lance confirmed and Merlin snorted, his snort soon turned to a sob and Lance was there in a second, holding him as he broke down.

"I… they were half dead, gods Lance, they, they are more dead than anything else! For me! I did this! I brought this upon them. I-"

"No." Lance cut him off. "It's not you, it's Morgana, this is all her doing, don't you think that way."

Merlin shook his head and pushed Lance away. "You are wrong. The dragon told me ages ago to kill her but I refused, I thought I was smarter, I thought I knew better. What a joke." Merlin sniffed and then exhaled slowly.

"I'm not their savior Lance, I'm their destroyer, I bring nothing but destruction to these people."

Lance stared at him for a long moment before he sighed and shook his head.

"Merlin… You really got yourself massed up didn't you?" He said slowly.

"I, I, what?"

"You _are_ their savior Merlin, you are their hopes and dreams for a better future, for a future with peace, with prosperity."

Merlin shook his head and opened his mouth when Lance stopped him again.

"No. Listen to me now, you are the bravest, selfless and most kind man I've ever met, you help everyone no matter what the price may be and Arthur was a fool not to see it."

Merlin stared at him.

"I'm glad to call you my friend and I'm proud to go into battle with you."

Lance moved to clasp his hands on Merlin's arms, shaking him a bit.

"I stayed in Camelot for you, and so did Gwaine, and I know who you are, it's time you remembered it."

* * *

><p>Two days later the sun rose on the concerned faces of Merlin, Alator and the rest of the elders.<p>

"What is wrong with them?"

"Slow poison." Alator said gravely.

"In case we saved them." Merlin spat and rose from his chair, the elders following his every move.

"It would seem that way, yes." Alator agreed.

Merlin shook his head. "This has to end now. I will not allow her to carry on harming our people without punishment." He slammed his fist on the table.

"What do you suggest then, Emrys? That we shall go to battle with the witch and the druid boy? We do not have enough men for that, it will be a massacre!"

Merlin stopped and thought hard before a smile rose to his lips. "Not if we have a dragon on our side." He said as he watched the astonished looks on the elder's faces.

"Are you implying commending the great dragon to slaughter the witch's forces?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." Merlin said with a smile.

* * *

><p>In the end it was all too easy to convince Kilgharrah to help them.<p>

The great dragon was more than happy to take his revenge on the witch.

"It is about time you took your destiny into your own hands." He said with a smile and Merlin smiled right back.

"I needed someone to tell me that." He said and glanced over at Lance.

"I shall see you tomorrow than young warlock." Kilgharrah boomed as he flew off.

"Tomorrow than?" Lance said as they made their way back to the city.

"Tomorrow." Merlin nodded. "We'll have the speech for the people and then we will get rid of Morgana and Mordred for good."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Yeah, you<strong>__**'**__**r**__**e**__** a soldier now,  
>Fighting in a battle,<br>To be free once more.  
>Yeah, that's worth fighting for<strong>_

As the sun rose over the field near the city Merlin squinted and sighed.

"Thank god we have Kilgharrah on our side." He mumbled and Lance chuckled.

"Yeah. Thank god for you being a dragon lord." He added with a wink.

Merlin waited until the crowed was more silent before he stepped onto the rock near him and raised his hand.

"My people!" He yelled and a wave of shouts rose from the sea of men and women who came to stand beside him.

"Today we are going to battle for our future! For the future of our children!

We are going into battle for our loved ones!

You are not fighting this battle for me, for Emrys, you are fighting this battle for yourselves and for your freedom!

You are fighting today so you could live in peace tomorrow!"

The crowd cheered again as the people started chanting;

"Emrys!"

"Emrys!"

Again and again until it was just a mumble of syllables that couldn't mean anything.

The war drums started beating in the distance and Merlin turned and watched Morgana's forces moving towards them.

"It's show time."

* * *

><p>"I think I have some bad news!" Lance yelled over the mayhem of the battle field.<p>

"More bad news?" Merlin yelled back as he flung two of his opponents away and winced when they smacked hard in the ground.

"Yes."

"More bad than the fact that Kilgharrah is late and we are being massacred?"

"Yes."

Merlin turned around and flicked his hand, surrounding them in a shield.

"Like what?"

"I saw Arthur." Lance said and winced when a druid tried to get near the shield only to be flung away.

"Arthur?" Merlin echoed and glanced around him. "What are you talking about?"

"Arthur is here, I just spotted him making his way through the battle, he seems to be looking for something."

"Looking for something? Looking for something?" Merlin asked as his voice rose to hysterical notes. "Does he ever think? He sees a bloody battle field which he has no idea what's going on what so ever and he just walks in! He is such a prat!"

"He is going to be a dead prat if we don't get to him now."

"Right, let's go."

Merlin tried his best to help his people across the field, he allowed his magic to roam free and fire descended from the sky on Morgana's forces, though it did nothing for the waves that kept crushing upon his men. His magic was weakening and he knew that something needed to change before they would all die.

He spotted Arthur just before a druid sent a killing spell, Merlin's eyes burned as the druid went flying through the air and landed with a sickening crack on the ground.

Arthur whirled around and for a moment Merlin thought that he had stopped time again before something slammed into him and he went flying through the air.

The world shifted up and down before he settled again and Merlin blinked several times before he noticed that everything was silent.

"Emrys." The word was whispered but Merlin winced as if it was shouted.

Morgana walked slowly towards him and Merlin stared at her from his sprawl on the ground.

He saw Lance moving closer from the corner of his eye before he focused once again on Morgana's advance, noting that Mordred was moving next to her.

"Let's see who is under that mask shall we?" She moved closer and pulled the mask off his face.

Merlin smirked when he heard the sharp intake of breath.

"Surprised?" He asked tauntingly as he pulled himself gingerly up.

"No. This, this can't be, you can't be-" She trailed off and stared at him.

"And why not?" Merlin asked as Lance moved forward to support him, he didn't dare to look at Arthur's direction.

"Because you, you are, you are just a servant!"

Merlin shrugged. "And?"

"It doesn't make sense!" She yelled in frustration.

"It never occurred to you how I survived the Serket's nest? Or how did I manage to stop the undead army?"

Morgana stared at him before her face hardened.

"It doesn't change anything, you are still going to die and Camelot will fall without your protection."

Her lips twisted to a bitter smile. "Does Arthur even know? Does he have any idea that his loyal servant is a traitorous, lying, sorcerer?"

"I do." Arthur's voice rang in the silence around him and Morgana whirled around to stare at him.

"And he isn't a sorcerer," He said as he raise his sword, Excalibur, and came to stand beside Merlin. "He is a warlock."

Morgana screamed in rage and her eyes flashed gold but Merlin was quicker and before the words left her mouth he sent her flying through the air.

"You will regret this!" She coughed as she climbed to her feet.

"Funny," Arthur answered before Merlin could open his mouth. "I was going to say the same!"

And the battle resumed, with Camelot's knights mixed with Merlin's man.

"We can't hold them for long!" Lance yelled in Merlin's ear.

"I know!" Merlin yelled back and stopped another spell directed at Arthur's back.

He sent another plea to Kilgharrah and sighed with relief when he spotted him in the horizon.

"He is here!" Merlin screamed and knocked the druids around him unconscious.

Kilgharrah swooped down and scooped Morgana's forces in one talon while breathing fire around him.

Merlin's men cheered as Morgana's men started running away, abandoning their leader in the face of a fiery death.

"Nooooo!" Morgana's screams echoed in the battle field as she watched her men fleeing all around her.

"It's over Morgana." Merlin said quietly as everything settled.

"No." Morgana rose and moved towards him. "I will have my vengeance!" She ran straight towards him with her sword unsheathed and Merlin stood frozen, unable to move out of way.

"Merlin! Move you idiot!" Arthur ran towards him with his own sword and Merlin watched with wide eyes as he blocked Morgana's sword and thrusted his in her stomach.

Morgana crumpled to the ground with wide eyes and her hands clutching the gaping wound in her midriff.

"This wasn't supposed to happen…" She mumbled as she slid further down into death's cold embrace.

"I was supposed to have my vengeance." Were her last words.

Everyone stared in shock at Morgana's crumpled form.

"Well," Mordred said as he moved closer to Morgana's dead body. "That was a huge waste of time." He said as kicked Morgana's body with the tip of his boot.

"But, even if she failed to get her vengeance I can still get mine." He said with a bored tone and Merlin's eyes widened as he rushed to reach Arthur and get him out of the way.

"Merlin no!" Lance's cry was too late and Merlin stared as a small arrow imbedded itself in his shoulder.

"Wha-" He started to say before he crumbled to the ground.

Among the fog that started clouding his vision he watched as both Lance and Arthur's swords found their way into Mordred's body, the druid not even trying to stop them.

_Why?_

_It's my destiny_

_You were destined to kill Arthur_

_There are many ways to kill a man Emrys_

And then there was silence and Merlin watched through hazy eyes as Kilgharrah roared his grief and didn't feel when Lance gripped his body and pulled the arrow out.

Only when Arthur's grief stricken face swam into focus did Merlin understood what Mordred meant.

_**Or leave me lying here**_

* * *

><p><em><em>*Ducks behind the couch* Don't kill me for the cliffi there okay?

Why don't you tell me how it was huh? R&R yeah?


	6. Bring me back

**Hello! A bit behind schedule but I think it was worth it. So this is the one before last chapter *I really can't belive it's happening* and I really hope you'll like it! A few notes before we begin:**  
><strong>1. I would like to say thank you for these who alerted and favorited *It's so nice to see this kind of thing in my mail ;)* and special thanks for these who took the time to comment, especially: tgnd1990 , AmandaFray and Limnamae *who's comments made me smile especially wide :D*<strong>  
><strong>2. Disclaimer: Not mine, and neither is the song that belongs to Evanescence and is called Bring me back to life.<br>3. This chapter containes a lot *And I mean a lot* of flashbacks from the series, so it's kind of contains spoilers if you haven't seen the first three seasons, so consider yourself warned.**  
><strong>That would be all, I really hope you'll enjoy it!<strong>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Leading you down into my core<br>Where I've become so numb**_

Merlin blinked his eyes open, slowly, carefully, he tried not to think, not to feel, just concentrated on opening his eyes.

He opened them into darkness, deep, all consuming darkness and Merlin opened his mouth to scream because it couldn't end like this, he didn't deserve the eternal darkness; he didn't.  
>When the blackness moved away it revealed a snowy landscape with nothing for many miles around them.<p>

Merlin tried to focus his gaze and frowned when he realized that the darkness belonged to a pair of eyes, a little girl's eyes.

"What?" Merlin whispered weakly.

The girl smiled and reached a hand to caress Merlin's cheek.

"You did it Emrys." She said and her voice echoed around them over and over until it was all that Merlin could hear and he shut his eyes again, trying to block everything out.

"Where am I?" He asked finally, not opening his eyes.

The girl was silent and Merlin risked a peek at her; she was frowning as if Merlin insulted her and Merlin opened his mouth to apologize when she spoke.

"I don't know where we are Emrys, it is your realm."

"What?"

The girl shrugged and started skipping around him, circling him again and again.

"Your realm." She repeated. "Your inner spirit, soul, whatever you humans call it."

Merlin rose slowly to his hands and knees and stared at her.

"Are you saying that I'm inside my own soul?"

She stopped her circling and looked at him.

"I guess." She said and pulled out a doll from thin air.

"My soul is a frozen…something?" Merlin's face scrunched up in distaste.

"That is so not fair." He crossed his arms in front of him like a child and stared at the girl. "And who are you anyway?"

The girl lifted her eyes from the doll and stared at him with her black eyes.

"I'm destiny."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold<strong>_

Merlin stared at her for a long time before he shook his head.

"That is not true. You cannot be destiny, you are-"

"I took this form so as not to startle you Emrys." The girl interrupted. "I can take any other form I wish."

With that she abandoned the doll in the snow and closed her eyes, a moment later she was a young woman, her gown flowing around her in soft waves and Merlin reached out to touch it.

It was soft, silky and Merlin pulled his hand away almost immediately as if burned.

"That's…"

But the woman, destiny, it would seem, already closed her eyes and suddenly Merlin couldn't see a thing, he was surrounded in blackness and he couldn't breathe.

"Do you believe me now Emrys?" The voice boomed from all around him and Merlin covered his ears as it flooded his senses.

"I am destiny." The voice repeated and Merlin bowed his head.

Suddenly the wind stopped and the darkness vanished and before Merlin stood the same little girl.

Merlin took a deep breath before he looked at her again.

"So, how come you are here?"

Destiny gave a soft smile and patted his head like a mother would do for her child.

"You have fulfilled your destiny my child and now you may rest in peace."

"Am I dead?" Merlin asked again, as he thought about all the people he left behind.

"No. Not yet, Mordred poisoned you and your body and magic are trying to fight it back in the mortal world."

Merlin looked down at himself and noted that yes; he was in fact a mere reflection of himself.

"So why am I here? Shouldn't I be back there? Trying to fight the poison?"

Destiny's smile turned sad.

"You didn't want to. You were given the choice to remain in the mortal realm and you refused."

"I…" Merlin started saying when a bright flash crossed his vision and he remembered.

_"You may choose Merlin…" The voices whispered softly._

_"Choose what?" Merlin yelled back, he was so tired._

_"You may choose whether to live or to be free." They answered him and there really was no choice at all as Merlin went towards the light._

"I didn't think… I was so tired… I just wanted everything to stop; it was all too much…" Merlin's hands grabbed his head as he tried to block out everything that happened, he didn't remember anything until he thought about it and then the memories just kept coming.

_His blood dripping in a steady stream unto the wooden floor…_

_Gwaine's face as he kissed him…_

_His own heart breaking with every murder he committed…_

_Gaius's resigned face as he left…_

_His dying people…_

_Morgana's mad eyes…_

_Mordred's final words…_

_Arthur…_

"Make it stop." He sobbed into the cold ground, his tears leaving burning trails on his cheek in their wake.

"Please make it stop." He begged as more memories flooded him, older ones.

"I wish I could Emrys but this is your life, your choices."

"I don't want to choose!" Merlin screamed and his voice echoed across the land.

"I just want it to end."

Destiny was silent for a long time and Merlin's breathe finally evened out as he fall asleep.

"I'm sorry my child, but soon you will understand everything."

She rose slowly to her feet and started walking away, leaving behind her only the doll.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wake me up<strong>__**  
><strong>__**wake me up inside  
>I can't wake up,<strong>__**  
><strong>__**wake me up inside  
>Save me, <strong>__**  
><strong>__**call my name and save me from the dark**_

_**Wake me up,  
><strong>__**bid my blood to run  
>I can't wake up <strong>__**  
><strong>__**before I come undone  
>Save me,<strong>__**  
><strong>__**save me from the nothing I've become**_

Merlin was walking slowly through the forest, his eyes kept glancing around him and he knew that something wasn't right, he was following someone or maybe someone was following him?

The forest was unnaturally quiet and Merlin stopped; his eyes wide and his heart beating frantically in his chest.

"Who's there?" He called out into the trees surrounding him and his hand curled into a tight fist when there was no answer.

He turned around and was about to start walking again when he heard a noise; a growl and the snap of a twig made Merlin break into a run and he started dashing through the trees, jumping over fallen logs and slipping on the mud covered leaves.

He was breathing hard when he made the mistake of glancing behind his shoulder; he spotted a dark cloud of _something_ making his way towards him before he stumbled and landed on his face, hard.

"No, no." He mumbled as he tried to rise to his feet before the cloud enveloped him completely; and then he couldn't breathe, he couldn't open his eyes and everything was hurting.

_Arthur_. Passed through his mind, Arthur will come for him, Arthur will come to save him, he always did.

Merlin tried to open his mouth to call for Arthur, let him know that he was out here in this darkness, that he was still alive; but the darkness entered his mouth and he tasted blood and dirt and pain and misery.

He felt his knees give way and he crushed to the floor while his hands clawed at his throat in a futile attempt to get the darkness out.

"Arthur…" Merlin croaked and the darkness intensified, moving faster now and covering him completely, he was drowning in darkness and there was no one to save him, Arthur wouldn't come to save him before the darkness swallowed him whole, before he became nothing more than a shade.

"Arthur…" He tried again before his eyes rolled back and there was nothing more.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I've been living a lie<br>There's nothing inside**_

Merlin woke up gasping and he quickly scrambled up, his eyes wide and wild as he summoned up his magic, only to realize that he couldn't feel it. His magic was gone.  
>Merlin crushed down to the snow covered ground again and stared around him for a long time.<p>

He could still taste the blood and dirt from the darkness in his dream and he wondered how on earth he was capable of dreaming in the first place! Wasn't he supposed to be in the safety of his own mind; or soul? Why would he dream of such horrors when he was supposed to be _safe_?

Destiny vanished, leaving behind her the doll and Merlin grabbed it, staring at the toy for a while before shaking his head, it wouldn't do to just sit down and wait for something to happen, if he wanted out of this place he will have to find out a way by himself.

He started walking, all the while trying to summon his magic back but to no avail, his magic was gone and Merlin wondered what will he do without it, if he ever got out of this place and went back without his magic it would be unbearable, he couldn't live without his magic, it was part of him, part of what made him Merlin.

Merlin frowned as he reached a cross road, both roads seemed completely identical but something told Merlin that there was a difference, there had to be.

A sudden gust of wind alerted him to the arrival of a new being and Merlin stared in wonder as the new stranger turned out to be himself.

"Err…" Merlin started. "Hello?"

The new Merlin rolled his eyes and sighed. "We need to wait for another you before we can start." He simply said and sat down on the snow near the right road.

"Another me?" Merlin asked with confusion marring his voice.

The new Merlin just sighed again. "Yeah, just wait, he'll be here in a while."

So Merlin sat down, in the snow, in the middle of the road and waited.

A while after that, though it could have been hours or days or months the other Merlin arrived; he looked just like the first Merlin and the two of them looked just like Merlin himself.

"Okay," Merlin started slowly. "What is going on here?"

The two Merlins looked at each other before they turned to him and said in union.

"Your first choice is here Emrys, each road you'll take is a different choice, once you have taken one, you can't take the other nor return here."

Merlin stared at them and then at the roads before him.

"What's the difference?" He asked, feeling slightly sick.

The left Merlin smiled sadly. "Should you choose this road Emrys, your magic will be taken from you, forever, when you'll return to the mortal realm you will be powerless."

Merlin stared at him in horror. "What?" He squeaked

The right Merlin then looked at him and said; with the same sad smile. "Should you choose this road instead Emrys, your magic will return, stronger than ever."

Merlin frowned. "That is a good thing right? I need my magic." He said and made to move forward the right road.

"Do consider your choice Emrys." The two Merlins said at the same time.

"What do you mean?" Merlin demanded. "It's my magic! I need it."

"Whatever for?" The left Merlin asked.

"What?"

"Morgana and Mordred are dead, there is no threat to the once and future king, there is no use for your magic."

"There will be, Arthur cannot unite Albion without my magic, the dragon-"

"But will he accept it?" The right Merlin asked quietly.

"Will the once and future king accept your magic?"

"I, I," Merlin tried to remember the battle, tried to remember if Arthur's eyes spoke of betrayal, of death back in Camelot; he couldn't find anything. "I don't know." He said eventually, in a quiet, defeated voice.

The Merlins nodded. "You have to consider it very carefully Emrys; it may be your death sentence to take your magic back."

Merlin screwed his eyes shut and tried to calm his racing heart.

He did fulfill his destiny and surely Arthur will be able to unite Albion without magic by his side?

Merlin shook his head, but no; Kilgharrah said that it was Merlin's destiny to bring magic _back_ didn't he?

Merlin was supposed to help Arthur unite Albion and bring magic back to the land, how could Merlin do that if he gave up his magic?

But if Arthur did see him as a traitor and planed on burning him once he was awake again then being without magic surely would save him?

The wind picked up again and Merlin shivered, he shouldn't be able to shiver.

"How will I know?" He asked the two Merlins. "How will I know what is the right choice?"

The two Merlins looked at him in silence. "We cannot assist you Emrys; this is your choice to make."

Merlin rubbed his eyes and tried to think. Memories, deep and old came rushing back.

_Merlin was sitting with Gaius in their rooms. "If I can't use magic, I might as well die…"_

_Gilli's voice, rough and bitter. "I'm not going to apologize for who I'm! You can be a servant and pretend to be less than them but I'm not going to!"_

_"No, it's not what I do!"_

_"No? You're defending the king; protecting a man that would have you dead!"_

_"I'm protecting you!"_

_"You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are."_

_"That's, that's not true…"_

_"Isn't it?"_

Merlin dropped to his knees as the memories ripped through him and his breathe came out in short gasps of air.

When he finally rose he looked down for a long moment before lifting his eyes and the Merlins gasped.

"I've chosen." Merlin said; his voice hard and his eyes glowing.

"I've been living in the shadows and darkness of lies for far too long. It's my time to choose."

With that he strode towards the right road and didn't look back.

* * *

><p><em><strong>All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see<br>Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me  
>I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems<br>Got to open my eyes to everything**_

Merlin walked on the frozen road for a long time, he wondered what was going on back in the mortal world, have they brought him back to Camelot? Was Gaius treating the poison coursing through his body already? Will he make it?

Suddenly the world shifted and Merlin stopped in his tracks, shell shocked at the new scenery around him.

Crystals, everywhere he turned there were crystals, huge, massive ones that rose from the ground and climbed high into the sky as far as the eye could see; Merlin shivered, he remembered what happened the last time he looked into a crystal.

Merlin moved carefully, doing his best not to touch anything, the crystals were black, quiet and Merlin hoped that maybe they hadn't noticed him, maybe-

The crystal to his side flickered to life and Merlin froze, unable to move another inch, his eyes stared into the crystal as the vision unfolded.

_He was standing in front of his mother, a pyre was burning in the distance and Merlin knew that it was Will's. His mother was crying and clutching his shoulders._

_"They must never know." She whispered._

_"They must never find out."_

_"Don't worry, mother." Merlin assured her. "They never do."_

Merlin's eyes snapped open as he tore his eyes away from the crystal, not a vision, a memory than, crystals of memories?

_.NO._ Merlin started running faster and faster, looking ahead of him and doing his best to ignore the crystals.

_I can't see, I won't see_. His mind whispered frantically.

But the crystals were stronger and soon the voices were too strong to ignore them and as Merlin kept on moving through them he could hear them, hear the whispers, the voices from his past, calling and whispering to him.

_How small you are for such a great destiny…_

_You expect me to take your word over that of a knight?_

_Will's pyre burning in the distance and Arthur's impassive face as Merlin wept silently._

_The isle of the blessed and Nimueh flashes before his eyes as the lightning strikes the old priestess to the ground._

Merlin's foot got tangled in an exposed root and he stumbled forward before he realized what is going on.

With his eyes closed Merlin tried to stop the next onslaught of memories.

_He treats you like a slave… He cast you aside without a moment's thought..._

_Gaius's broken body lying in the dungeon after the witch finder has had his fill of today's torment..._

_Frey's burning body…_

_His father's dead body, lying in his arms and the power that coursed through him as he commanded Kilgharrah for the first time…_

Merlin rose quickly and started running faster, the next memories were worse, so much worse and he couldn't see them, couldn't see how he faced them alone, all in the pathetic hope that Arthur will understand.

The next wave caught him when he paused to gulp some much needed air.

_The undead army and Morgana's final descend to the darkness…_

_Poisoning Gaius to save his life…_

_The crystal cave, the death and destruction…_

_The fisher king's smiling face when he was finally free…_

_You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are_…

Merlin couldn't carry on like this. He stopped and sat on the ground, his head between his hands as the next rush of memories arrived.

_Lance's soft smile as he walked into the veil…_

_Arthur's stone cold face as his father died by magic's hand…_

_The burn of the Fommorah as it took control of his mind…_

_You are nothing but a servant…_

_Lance's burning body…_

_Exile…_

And then he was out.

Merlin burst through the forest of crystals and stopped; shaking and gasping for air as the sobs rocked his body and burned his lungs.

Merlin stumbled the next few steps until he collapsed in the snow and allowed the sleep to take him.

The soft drizzle woke Merlin up and he blinked owlishly as the rain drops fall softly unto his face. He rolled over to his back and closed his eyes again, breathing in the fresh scent of the grass below his body.

His eyes snapped open; Grass?

Merlin rose to his feet quickly and summoned his magic, delighted when the ancient power answered his call swiftly and without delay.

He was standing in the middle of a stone circle that radiated of power of the old religion.

"Where am I?" Merlin asked softly, his eyes scanning the huge stones that surrounded him.

"It doesn't matter Emrys." A voice answered him from the thin air.

Merlin whirled around and looked frantically around him, trying to find the owner of the voice.

"Who are you?" He yelled back.

"An old friend." The voice answered and Merlin snorted.

"Then show yourself, _friend_." He said sarcastically.

"There is no need for that Emrys. Have you learned what you wanted to?"

"What?" Merlin asked confused.

"Have you learned that which you have come here to learn?" The voice repeated.

Merlin's frown deepened. "I'm not sure I understand."

The voice was silent for a long time and Merlin looked around him, his mind racing with unknown questions.

"You have decided to come here to learn about your past and to decide your future Emrys."

"What is that even mean?" Merlin's voice shook.

"You have fulfilled part of your destiny Emrys, all the threats to the once and future king have been removed and it was your choice to come here and decide whether or not you shall continue in step with the young Pendragon."

"No…" Merlin said slowly. "I'm here because Mordred poisoned me and I was tricked into this realm in order to rest or err," Merlin stumbled over his words. "Something like that."

"You have been brought here so you may decide, so you may take your destiny into your own hands."

The words dragged another memory and Merlin closed his eyes as it unfolded in front of him.

_Merlin was standing in front of Kilgharrah in the meadow behind Camelot, demanding answers that the dragon hidden from him for a long time._

_"How dare you?" He screamed. "I'm not a puppet to destiny's will! I will not be tormented by it for choosing my-"_

_"You have a destiny that you must fulfill warlock!" Kilgharrah boomed. "You can't break down over patty things such as-"_

_"I have a right to choose my path!" Merlin yelled and his eyes flared gold as he forced Kilgharrah to submission._

_"I have the right to choose my path as I see fit, destiny has no right to do that!" He was breathing hard and his hands were curled to white knuckled fists._

_"You may wish to choose your own path young warlock but if it will not lead to the desired result in destiny's eyes than it is not a path to be taken."_

_Merlin threw his hands in the air and screamed his frustrations._

_"Destiny succeeded." He simply said and started walking._

_"I will assist Alator and destroy the witch and Mordred, after that, my path will be written by me."_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Without thought, without voice, without soul<br>There must be something more  
>Bring me to life<strong>_

Merlin's eyes snapped open and the voice's silence seemed to be a satisfied one.

"Indeed Emrys." The voice confirmed and Merlin took a deep breath.

"The choice is mine," He started slowly. "And it's my turn to choose my path."

A soft glow started to illuminate the small circle.

"I've been hiding who I am for too long," The voice hummed in agreement.

"I've suffered alone for too long, living in the shadows and pretending to be something I'm not."

The light was brighter now and Merlin started smiling.

"It's my time now."

And with that the circle filled with light and Merlin's eyes glowed with it, illuminating the darkness that spread around the circle before exploding into thousands brilliant stars and then the circle was empty.

* * *

><p><strong>Oh dear me, it's done. You know the drill by now- R&amp;R yeah?<strong>


	7. The reason is you

**So here is the thing, remember I said this was meant to be the last chapter? Turns out it isn't! *O_o*. I was listening to my playlist while writing this little thing and suddenly this song came and I found myself altering the end completly so I could make another chapter! So yeah, the next one and last *I think* should be posted this weekend *it's already being written*.**  
><strong>Disclaimer: Not mine, were borrowed purely for fun and not to make money.<strong>  
><strong>Song: The reason- Hoobastank *Awesome song!* And you should totally listen to it while reading, adds a lot :)<strong>  
><strong>Warning: Arthur may be a bit OOC at the end because... well, you'll see.<br>Oh and as always, thank you for all these who favorited and alerted and commented! Thanks!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Arthur's eyes stared in horror as the arrow left Mordred's hand and imbedded itself in Merlin's shoulders. The silence that spread through the battlefield was deafening and Arthur moved on shaky feet as Merlin's eyes widened and his form crumpled into Lance's arms.<p>

Arthur clenched his fists as he reached them, it should have been him that caught Merlin's form not Lance.

"Merlin…?" Arthur whispered softly and Merlin's eyes looked at him, unfocused and slightly glassy, he seemed to be listening to something before his eyes went shut and Arthur screamed.

* * *

><p>"Sire? Sire? Wake up!" Someone was shaking him but Arthur couldn't wake up, wouldn't wake up to this world where Merlin was poisoned.<p>

"Arthur?" Leon's voice, calm, gentle, everything Arthur couldn't stand right now.

"What?" He grunted out and rolled over, the hard rocks on the ground below his bedroll digging into his back.

"Alator, my lord, he says he must speak with you."

Arthur blinked his eyes open and heaved himself up, refusing to meet Leon's concerned eyes.

They left the druids lands three days ago and were still four days away from Camelot; Arthur didn't utter more than two words all this time.

"Once and future king," Alator greeted him as he approached the man.

Arthur nodded once.

"I must return to my people now, I have gone far enough and the order must be restored to the land."

"And what of Merlin?" Arthur asked, the fury in his heart making his voice sound cold and demanding. This man is the reason Merlin is laying poisoned right now, how dare he leave him?

"Emrys is more powerful than any of us know, young Pendragon-"

"He has been poisoned!" Arthur snarled. "And you did nothing to help him! It is your fault!" Arthur's yells woke some of his knights and soon Lance was there, standing next to Alator, Arthur's eyes narrowed.

"The fault isn't in our action's king," Alator's voice was tired. "What happened was written long before any of us was born and it was never within our ability to stop it."

Arthur saw the look Lance gave Alator and the glance he threw towards Merlin's silent form.

"He was always meant to die at the hands of Mordred?" Arthur demanded quietly, his rage shimmering under the surface, just waiting to be released.

"Emrys knew the prophecy regarding the druid boy, his actions were his choices."

Lance snored. "None of this was Merlin's choice and you know it, don't play us for fools Alator."

"What are you talking about?" Arthur asked; there was something he didn't know, _another_ thing he didn't know.

Lance looked at him for a moment before he sighed. "Merlin never had a choice in this whole mass, it was either fight Morgana and Mordred and save the future of Albion," He gestured vaguely at Arthur. "Or lose his mind."

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked quietly.

"His nightmares;" Alator intervened. "They were Destiny's way to punish him for abandoning his destiny."

Lance gave a bitter smile. "Some destiny." He muttered and moved back towards Merlin's form.

Alator looked after him before shaking himself.

"When Emrys wakes tell him his people are in debt to him and that he will always have a place among us."

Arthur stared after him before he glanced over to where Lance was sitting next to Merlin's body, whispering things into his ears. His throat worked fruitlessly a few times to swallow and he averted his eyes, feeling as though he intruded on something and hating that feeling.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I'm not a perfect person<br>There's many things I wish I didn't do**_

Arthur gazed into the flames as the night settled around the camp and the rest of his companions fell asleep.

They were two days away from Camelot and Arthur couldn't wait to get back to the castle, Gaius will know what to do, he sent a knight ahead of them to inform the old man about what happened and to warn him, Gaius will be ready with the antidote and Merlin will be fine, then Arthur will tell him everything and they could be together, it will take some planning to do, after all Gwen was his wife and the queen, but Lancelot was back and Arthur didn't want to think about that, not yet.

But with the thoughts about Lance came the thoughts about what he had said, about the choice that Merlin never had.

Was he a prisoner of his fate from the moment he stepped into Camelot?

And if he was, then, was there even a chance he will be able to forgive Arthur; For everything?

Arthur knew he wasn't the easiest person in the kingdom and while he had his father as the main reason for that he couldn't use it as the sole reason for his rather pratish behavior.

He cringed when he remembered their first meeting, Merlin spent the night in the dungeon and Arthur wondered if he knew, back then, what his life will be like from that moment on. Forced to protect a prince he didn't know and treated him as a slave, forced to hide everything he was while doing his best to save the day time and time again without ever getting the credit for that.

The guilt and pain flooded his insides the longer he thought about it. Now that he knew there were so many things he would have done differently, so many things he wouldn't have done at all.

But will regret be enough for Merlin? Will it be enough to keep him in Camelot? In his once upon a time prison?

* * *

><p>"Well?" Arthur's voice was anxious and Lance could understand him, Gaius has been examining Merlin for the last two hours for anything that could help them to find the poison Mordred used.<p>

Gaius's face was as miserable as Lance felt when the old man shook his head.

"I'm sorry, sire, it's-" Gaius's voice broke and Lance reached for him, supporting the man and helping him to a sit. "It's like nothing I've ever seen, whatever it is that Mordred has shot him with it's nothing I can discover or in fact do anything to help, Merlin is… he is on his own now." Gaius swallowed hard and carried on. "I can only hope that Merlin's magic will be powerful enough to help him, otherwise…" He trailed off, unable to voice out loud what has been running through their minds for the entire ride back home: They might lose Merlin.

"No." Arthur said loudly and Lance looked up, keeping his face blank; Arthur had tear tracks along his cheeks and he didn't bother to wash from the ride, going straight to Gaius's quarters.

"I will not allow this to happen, I will not allow him to die like this; _she_ will not take him from me!" With that he stormed out of the room.

Gaius was silent for a while before he turned to look at Lance. "It's good to have you back Lance, it's been…" He trailed off and Lance nodded.

"I know, I know."

* * *

><p><em><strong>I'm sorry that I hurt you<br>It's something I must live with every day  
>And all the pain I put you through<br>I wish that I could take it all away**_

"Idiot, stupid, good for nothing…" Arthur kept on hitting the practice dummy. He didn't bother with council meeting this morning and Leon volunteered to train the knights. It's been two weeks since they got back and there was no change. Arthur went to see Gaius every morning and every night, hoping and praying that Merlin will get up already.

He did his best to act normal and fulfilled everything that needed to be done: Treaties were signed and the crops were being collected along with the taxes and the people had no idea, absolutely no idea that their king's heart was breaking with every moment he was breathing.

Gwen was doing her best to keep up with the false pretend their marriage has become and Arthur felt sorry for her, especially when he found out that Lance didn't leave Merlin's side since they arrived and therefore she had no idea he was alive.

Lance. He was the root of this whole mass, he was the reason Arthur was chopping to pieces one of the practice dummies, it was his entire fault.

Him and his sense of nobility and god! Arthur couldn't take it anymore, he dropped the practice sword in the mud and left the training field, going towards the stables and ignoring the worried looks the stable boys gave him.

Arthur rode out to the lake, the same lake he once fallowed Merlin to and discovered his magic, the lake was silent now and Arthur sat down on the grass and stared ahead of him, eyes unseeing as he remembered Lance's words.

_Arthur was about to enter Gaius's chambers this morning when he heard his name._

_"Arthur doesn't deserve him Gaius." Lance's voice was soft, resigned._

_Gaius's sigh was audible even through the door. "Lance-"_

_"He doesn't. Look at him Gaius! Even before this whole mass with the poison, I saw what it did to him, all these months alone-"_

_"He wasn't alone Lance, both Gwaine and I were here and-"_

_"It wasn't enough-"_

_"And you are?" Gaius was getting angry now, his voice rising ever so slightly._

_"No, I'm not saying that I-"_

_"Then you shouldn't say things like that. It is Merlin's choice to-"_

_"But it's not!" Lance retorted. "Did he tell you why he was having these nightmares? Did he?"_

_Gaius was silent and Lance carried on._

_"He tried to stop, he tried to leave his bloody destiny behind because everything was too much and there was no one there to-"_

_"I was here." Gaius's voice was quiet, sad. "He could have talked to me."_

_"He couldn't, he loves you like a father Gaius and he couldn't burden you with this knowledge."_

_"What knowledge?"_

_Lance sighed. "Everything."_

_There was silence for a while and Arthur didn't know what to do when Gaius spoke again._

_"It wasn't just Arthur's fault Lance; he isn't the only one to blame for this."_

_"I know, but he is the one who could have prevented it, if only he would have paid more attention. If only he cared more."_

Arthur closed his eyes tightly and tried to will Merlin's still form from behind his eyelids.

Lance was right of course, and Arthur thought about it on his way to the druids lands; if only he paid more attention, if only he realized Merlin was in trouble before, if only he… but there was no use in mopping about the what ifs, there was nothing Arthur could do now to change what has been, if there was…

Arthur tossed a small rock into the lake and watched as the circles spread round and round over and over.

Lance was wrong about one thing though, Arthur considered with a small, bitter smile. Arthur cared, he cared so much he thought his heart will bleed from all the pain he was feeling, from all the pain he knew he brought down on Merlin.

Arthur's hands clutched his hairs as he rocked back and forth and tried not to scream his pain to the heavens, tried not to beg to every god there was to help him take the pain from Merlin, to help him be the one that saves him for once.

Arthur didn't know how long he sat there when the rain started and soon he was drenched and the rain mixed up with his tears as he stayed there.

* * *

><p><em><strong>And be the one who catches all your tears<br>That's why I need you to hear**_

Arthur ate dinner alone that night, his eyes staring at the wall as he tried to remember the last time Merlin served him dinner in his chambers and it was just the two of them, without the pressure of the crown and Gwen's existence between them, without the look of despair that filled Merlin's eyes in the last few months and Arthur's jealousy at Gwaine's close relationship to Merlin filling the rest of the cracks in their relationship.

Arthur took a deep gulp from the wine in his glass before he rose from his seat, he will go to Gaius's chambers and he will sit at Merlin's side until he woke up, it was only the sensible thing to do.

When he reached the door he hesitated for only a second before he pushed the door open; Lance was on his feet in a second, his sword unsheathed and Arthur quirked an eyebrow at him, Lance lowered his sword but didn't put it away, standing next to Merlin's bed and waiting for Arthur to do something.

Gaius entered the room that moment and stopped in his track, his own eyebrow climbing higher up in his brow as he stared at the two men.

"Oh for god's sake, put it away Lance." He chastised and waved at the sword.

Arthur inclined his head in thanks.

"Gaius." He said formally and the old physician looked at him for a moment before he nodded.

"Lance I think it's time you went and ate something outside, god knows you could use the fresh air."

Lance stared at him and then frowned. "Gaius I-"

"Should go and inform the queen you have returned." Arthur said meaningfully.

Lance's eyes widened and his sword clattered to the floor, causing Gaius to flinch.

Arthur kept his face blank and did his best to stop the grin that threatened to burst on his face, it was a weird feeling, after all this time, the desire to smile.

"S-Sire?" Lance stuttered and Arthur smirked, still a knight.

"I expect you to be discreet obviously, she _is_ the queen of Camelot but other than that," Arthur waved his hand towards the door. "You have my permission and blessing."

Lance stared at Arthur and then at Gaius, noting the satisfied smile on the court physician's face, he glanced down at Merlin and his face crumpled.

"I should stay, if Merlin-"

"I'll stay with him." Arthur said immediately and made another move towards Merlin's bed.

"Go Lancelot." He repeated and clasped his hand on the man's shoulder.

Lance nodded and made a few hesitant steps towards the door.

"Lance?" Arthur called after him and Lance turned around. "Sire?"

"Thank you," Arthur said as he took a seat next to Merlin's bed, his gaze never leaving his still face. "For everything."

Lance was silent for a moment before he nodded and left.

"I will leave you to it sire." Gaius soft voice called as he left the room and then they were alone.

Arthur took a deep breath and released it slowly, his heart pounding in his chest.

"I know you can't hear me or rather you can, I don't know, Gaius seems to think that it's good to talk to people who won't wake up, he says that this way they can tell where to come back to, but, maybe I shouldn't talk because you might not want to come back to me and then… I'm blabbering am I? It's just…"

Arthur shook his head and ran his hands through his hair, taking Merlin's hands in his.

"It's been three weeks Merlin," He whispered, his voice catching as the tears sprang to his eyes. "Three weeks since you got that darn arrow and I…I'm lost Merlin… I'm lost without you and I need you to wake up do you hear me? I need you to wake up you clotpole."

Arthur raised his eyes and stared at the bubbling caldron that Gaius left near the fire.

"I guess I should start from the beginning right? The thing is Merlin, you idiot, I love you, and I'm going to tell you that the moment you wake up but I need to say it now, I love you. And I'm so sorry for everything that happened, more sorry than I could ever say, I'm sorry for everything you suffered for me, _because_ of me and I wish I could change it, I really wish I could take everything that happened away but I can't, I can't change anything that happened this past couple of months and I'm so sorry for that, I-"

A noise from the corridor outside stopped Arthur and he stared at the door, waiting for something to happen and breathing a sigh of relief when the noises faded away.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I've found a reason for me<br>To change who I used to be  
>A reason to start over new<br>And the reason is you**_

His eyes went back to Merlin's face and he reached his hand to move Merlin's black locks away from his brow.

"You were right you know, five years ago when we first met and you told me I was a prat, you were right when you said that and more. Five years ago I _was_ an obnoxious and prideful and arrogant and a clotpole and everything else that you said I was but Merlin, the thing is, the thing is that I changed, you changed me," Arthur took a deep breath and carried on.

"With every stupid and brave and amazing thing you did; you changed me, with every time you ignored the fact that I was a prince and you were my manservant you changed me."

Arthur's hand clutched Merlin as he took a deep breath.

"And I have changed, for you Merlin, not for Gwen, not for my father, not for my people, for you, so you would be proud of me, so you would be able to see me as your friend," Arthur swallowed thickly. "As more than your friend."

Arthur leaned down and kissed Merlin's forehead softly.

"So I need you to wake up now so I could tell you all of that, so you could call me a clotpole and a prat and so we could start our life together."

Arthur stared at Merlin's face and wished with all his might that Merlin will open his beautiful eyes and smile at him.

"Please…" He whispered and leaned his forehead against Merlin's. "Please just wake up."

* * *

><p><strong>So... Yeah. I hope this end wasn't too much of a cliffi and that it wasn't too sappy and that Arthur wasn't too OOC.<strong>  
><strong>Let me know?<strong>


	8. Nobody's perfect

*Duckes behind the couch* Okay, I'm late. I know that, you know that, we _all _know that, now can we get on? Thank you.  
>So yeah, I'm late and extreamly sorry for that but what can I say? RL and muse being an utter diva made me do it!<br>Anyway, on to the story- this was supposed to be the last chap, however the boys didn't want to corporate and so this isn't the last one... so sad.

On the good side, all our problems will be solved in this chap and the next one will be mostly fluff and well, NC-17 rated stuff so yeah.

Disclaimer: Not mine, or this will be canon and the song belongs to Jessie J.

Have fun!

* * *

><p><em><strong>I know it's time that I learn to <strong>__**  
><strong>__**Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved **__**  
><strong>__**This is a lesson to learn**_

"Merlin… Please…" Arthur didn't mean for his voice to come out so broken, so desperate; but as Merlin wrenched his hand free from Arthur's grip he realized that that what he was.

"No…" He said again and reached for Merlin's hand while Merlin took another step back, further away from Arthur.

"I can't Arthur." He whispered. "Not anymore, I-"

"Please Merlin, give me another chance, I-" Arthur drew in a ragged breathe. "I promise it will get better, I will get better, I-"

Merlin kept on shaking his head as tears flew down his cheeks.

"No Merlin, please don't, stop that, please, I love you, I, I need you, can't you give us a chance?" Arthur knew he was begging but he was beyond that, well beyond caring about things like his pride or honor as long as Merlin came back to Camelot with him.

"I can't do it Arthur, I can't-" He chocked down and took another step back, further away from Arthur and deeper into the woods.

"I'll change Merlin, I promise, just, just please…" Arthur tried again as Merlin took more and more steps into the woods.

"Goodbye Arthur." He whispered as he turned around and ran into the forest, vanishing between the woods.

* * *

><p>"No!" Arthur's eyes snapped open and he tore away from his bed, his body covered in cold sweat as he opened the connecting door with a bang.<p>

Merlin was sleeping peacefully in the small bed and didn't twitch as the door crashed against the opposite wall.

Arthur staggered to Merlin's bed and sank down beside him, clutching Merlin's hand between his hands.

"I will never let that happen to us, we will be okay, you'll see." He whispered to Merlin's skin.

"I promise."

* * *

><p><em><strong>And I hate that I let you down <strong>__**  
><strong>__**And I feel so bad about it**_

It's been three months since Merlin was struck with Mordred's poison and still there was no change, Arthur did his best to pretend that everything was just the same but these who knew him, these closest to him, they knew better.

Arthur was a shadow of his former self; he did what he had to do to ensure his people didn't suffer and his kingdom prospered but other than that there was nothing more, he rarely smiled or laughed and a constant shadow lingered in his eyes.

"The treaty with west hamelfund has been signed my lord and the tribute will be sent in the next couple of days."

"Excellent." Arthur said; his voice gruff and Gwen and Lance exchanged looks.

"What of the sickness in the northern villages?"

"The cure we have sent seemed to help sire," Gaius's voice answered, the old man as tired and worn out as Arthur felt. "There have been no reports on new deaths."

"Good, good." Arthur said distractedly, his mind wandering back to Merlin.

"Sire, there has been news regarding the treaty with South Embledor-"

Arthur's eyes narrowed and his mind whispered one word: Gwaine.

"And?" He said, his voice low.

"Sir Gwaine reported that it is going on surprisingly well and that he expects to be back in the next two months."

"Did he now?" Arthur said, ignoring the troubled looks of his court.

Gwen coughed from her place beside him and smiled at the room.

"I believe the meeting is over gentleman, the council will reassemble tomorrow morning."

The courtiers nodded and bowed to their sovereign as they all but fled the room.

The minute the doors closed after the last noble Gwen turned to Arthur, her face distorted.

"Arthur! He is one of your knights and your ambassador! You cannot talk that way in front of the council! You are the one who-"

"He is wrong if he thinks I will allow him anywhere near Merlin!" Arthur spat savagely.

Lance sighed and took a step forward. "Sire, Merlin never saw Gwaine as anything more that a good friend, maybe you should-"

"No!" Arthur yelled and rose from his throne, his mind replaying Merlin's broken face as Gwaine rode out of the city, he failed him then, allowing the jealousy that coursed like venom through his veins to consume every rational thought, the need to have Merlin for himself stronger than anything else, stronger than any logic.

He knew he shouldn't have done that, the nights after sending Gwaine away were filled with regret and shame battling for dominance in his mind and his conscience never letting him forget.

"Maybe you should rest sire," Gaius's kind voice broke through Arthur's thoughts.

"You seem a bit troubled;" A pause. "More so than usual, that is."

Arthur nodded. "You are right Gaius, it's been a, a tough night."

Gaius nodded as Arthur rose from his throne; he sent a weak smile towards Gwen and Lance and left the hall.

Arthur stood shock still for a moment, his mind refusing to decipher what his eyes were seeing as he stared at the two unconscious guards outside his room and then like a tidal wave that crashed at the shore time returned to its normal flow and Arthur was running towards his chambers and swinging the doors open.

"No, no, no, please god no…" He kept mumbling as he dashed through his room and into Merlin's only to find Merlin's bed… empty.

* * *

><p>"Gaius?" A soft voice called and Gaius froze. It couldn't be, it couldn't be-<p>

"Merlin?" Gaius asked softly, too scared to turn around and find thin air.

A chocked laugh sounded from behind him and then he was being swung around to face-

"Merlin." Gaius's arms came immediately to embrace the young man.

"My boy… my boy… I thought I lost you." He mumbled into Merlin's hair.

Merlin was shaking his head and his arms tightened around Gaius's form.

"Never. I just needed time."

"You certainly took your time my boy." Gaius said with a frown as he pulled back to look at Merlin. "Are you glowing?"

Merlin shrugged. "I might be, I just got my magic back and well, I have it from an authorized source that it will be stronger than ever."

"Authorized source?" Gaius asked as he led Merlin to sit down.

"Destiny." Merlin said grimly and Gaius flinched.

"Merlin-"

"It's over. I fulfilled my destiny in her eyes and I'm free. I intend to go to the druids Gaius and-"

"And leave Camelot? Merlin you can't!"

"Why not?" Merlin shrugged. "There is nothing for me here, sides you, and well, I'd rather not have to face my own execution." He finished off with another shrug.

"Execution?" Gaius exclaimed. "Merlin what on earth are you on about?"

"Arthur knows about my magic Gaius! Of course I will be facing my own execution! That's why I left his chambers the minute I was awake!"

"You left his… So Arthur has no idea that…" Gaius trailed off and his eyes widened. "The poor boy…"

"What?" Merlin asked confused.

"Merlin, Arthur is-"

Before Gaius finished his sentence the door banged open and Arthur ran in, his face flushed and his eyes a bit wild.

"Gaius, it's-" He stopped mid sentence, his eyes widening and then he let out a shuddered breathe.

"Merlin…" He whispered and took a step towards him only to stop mid step when Merlin got up and took a step back.

"Merlin?" He breathed out, his voice full of pain.

Merlin swallowed and stared at him, all the heartache from the last months, years, life flooding his senses.

"Arthur…" He gasped.

"You're… oh god you're alive!" Arthur breathed at last and closed the distance between them, enveloping Merlin in a crushing hug.

Merlin's widened eyes caught sight of Gaius's smiling face and he frowned at him from over Arthur's shoulder.

"I'll leave you to it sire." Gaius mumbled bemusedly before he left the chambers and closed the door behind him.

Merlin shuddered when Arthur's hands started traveling up and down his arms and back.

"Arthur, what, err, what are you doing?" Merlin asked to the side of Arthur's face.

"Making sure you're alive you idiot," Arthur grumbled and tightened his hold on Merlin.

"You've been in a magical coma for the last three months!"

Merlin pushed against him. "Three months? That doesn't make sense, I-"

"Trust me Merlin," Arthur breathed against the skin of his neck, raising the hairs there. "I counted every bloody hour."

* * *

><p><em><strong>And I hate that I made you think <strong>__**  
><strong>__**That the trust we had is broken **__**  
><strong>_

"Trust you?" Merlin echoed after him and pushed against him again, harder and Arthur released him a bit, staring at Merlin's contorted face.

"What?" He asked confused as Merlin pushed him again.

"Merlin what are you doing?" He asked when Merlin didn't stop pushing him.

"I'm getting away from you!" Merlin retorted back and pushed again, this time succeeding as Arthur finally let go, too shocked to do anything more than stare.

"Why would you do that?" He asked numb.

Merlin stopped and stared at him. "What do you mean why? I can't, you, I-" He floundered around for a moment before he stopped and stared at Arthur.

"I have magic!" He finally yelled.

Arthur lifted one, unimpressed eyebrow and crossed his hands over his chest, keeping them from reaching over for Merlin's agitated form.

"I know." Arthur said slowly.

"I know you know you ass!" Merlin exclaimed and Arthur frowned.

"So what are you on about Merlin?" He asked carefully.

"What am I on about?" Merlin echoed after him.

"Yes." Arthur said again, very slowly, as he wondered if maybe it would be better for Gaius to check Merlin's head for injuries, just in case.

"You are going to execute me!" Merlin cried out and drove Arthur's wandering mind back to the room.

"What?" Arthur screeched. "What are you talking about Merlin?"

Merlin stared at him for a moment before he flagged down and sat on the bench, his head between his hands.

"I have magic Arthur, and I hid it from you and now that you know you are going to kill me, and I don't want you to, but I won't do anything to stop you because I deserve it for being the lying monster that I'm but I, I don't want to die Arthur, I don't…" Merlin lifted his head and Arthur's heart broke all over again when he saw the broken expression in Merlin's eyes, the hollow emptiness.

"I'll leave Arthur, I promise, I'll leave Camelot and you'll never see me again and I'll-"

"Shut up Merlin." Arthur said, his own voice gruff with unshed tears as he realized that Merlin, _his_ Merlin was so convinced that Arthur couldn't forgive him, _wouldn't_ forgive him…

"You honestly think that I would have you executed?" Arthur asked softly, his fingers wiping the tears that kept flowing down Merlin's cheeks.

Merlin swallowed again and nodded.

"Merlin…" Arthur said softly and cupped Merlin's face with both his hands.

Merlin let out a ragged breath and leaned into the touch.

"My Merlin… I could never have you executed; I love you too much to live without you." Arthur said with a rueful smile, finally letting the words out of his mouth after months and years of knowing them.

Merlin stared at him for a moment before he started shaking his head.

"No, no you're not, you can't, why are you doing this Arthur? Why are you doing this…"

* * *

><p><em><strong>I gotta change if I wanna keep you forever <strong>__**  
><strong>__**I promise that I'm gonna try**_

"You don't believe me?" Arthur asked him, ready to prove his love in whatever way Merlin would ask of him.

Merlin let loose an empty laugh. "Of course I don't believe you!" He exclaimed and tried to free his face from Arthur's hold.

"You are married! To Gwen! And, and-"

"Camelot needed a queen." Arthur said quietly. "I should have told you before I married her; I should have told you everything before but… I wasn't thinking…"

Merlin was shaking his head again. "That can't be true, it can't be true, Arthur you can't…" He trailed off as the tears started flowing again.

"Can't what? Love you more than life themselves? Need you by my side more than anyone else? Know about your magic and everything you did for me and regret everything you had to suffer alone for my sake? Pick your choice Merlin and I'll prove you wrong." Arthur said as he rose slowly to his feet, dragging Merlin up with him and into a loose embrace.

"I know how much you suffered my love, I know and I'm sorry, more sorry than you'll ever know and I promise you that I'm going to change everything now, a treaty is being signed with the druids and the ban on magic has been lifted while you were sleeping and-"

"Am I dead?" Merlin asked suddenly, his voice weary.

"What?" Arthur asked, confused.

"I must be dead because this can't be happening. After five years of being in love with you, which okay I'll admit for the first three I had no idea I was in love with you but that's not the point, you can't just pop in and say 'oh Merlin, by the way, I love you and I only married Gwen for the sake of the kingdom and I didn't mean to rip your heart out or anything like that so give me another chance yeah?' You just can't do that! So this means I'm dead, and that's so not fair." Merlin concluded in a mellow tone as he slumped in Arthur's arms.

Arthur stood shock still for a moment before he started laughing, startling Merlin from where he was mumbling to himself on Arthur's shoulder.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I'm not a saint, no not at all <strong>__**  
><strong>__**But what I did, that wasn't cool **__**  
><strong>__**But I swear that I'll never do that again to you**_

"You are not dead Merlin, trust me, I wouldn't have allowed you to die."

Merlin was staring at him with wide eyes and a hopeful glint in his eyes.

"I know that I did a lot of things wrong and I made so many mistakes that I can't even count them all but I do love you Merlin and I will do anything you'll ask me to prove that I'm serious, anything." Arthur said and leaned in to press a soft kiss on the corner of Merlin's lips, not trusting himself to do more than that.

"Arthur…" Merlin sighed and lifted his hand to caress Arthur's cheek.

"You are not lying?" He asked softly.

"Never Merlin, never again, I swear."

"So you really do love me?" He asked, that glint of hope burning stronger by the second.

Arthur smiled and leaned his forehead against Merlin's.

"I really do love you, more than anything."

"And you really aren't going to execute me?"

"Never!" Arthur cried out, anguished.

"Well," Merlin started and leaned closer. "That's good because I really love you too and I'm sort of attached to my head." He added softly.

Arthur let loose a shaky laugh and tightened his arms around Merlin, drawing him closer.

"I'm attached to your head as well, and the rest of you obviously." He whispered and pressed another kiss to the corner of Merlin's mouth, this time not moving away.

"Good." Merlin whispered back and moved his head to the side so that Arthur's lips touched his.

"Excellent."

Arthur answered and kissed him.

* * *

><p>So... *swings from side to side* how was it?<p>

The more you'll R&R the faster _I'll_ write!


	9. Stripped to the bone

So... this is the last part... for real this time... And I just wanted to say that, it's been one hell of a ride, I think I'm working on this story for three months, maybe four already and it has been a pleasure, really, trully a pleasure.  
>I hope you had as much pleasure to read this as I had to write this and I would like to use this part to say thank you to all the 77 people who alerted this story, and to all the 45 people who favorited it and mostly to all the 36 people who took the time and commented, this means so much to me that I can't even start to explaine. So now, the last part of 'Destiny can never be simple'!<p>

**Disclaimer:** They are not mine otherwise this would be canon, and by canon I mean this would be in every single ep...  
><strong>Warning:<strong> This chap rating is as promised NC-17, if you are offended by this kind of things and I mean full maleXmake sex you shouldn't read this. if you did I'm taking this as you saying you are old enough to read this kind of things.

* * *

><p>"I don't think I can do it Gwen." Merlin said nervously as he stared at his reflection in the mirror, dressed in Camelot's red and gold he looked, different.<p>

"Nonsense Merlin." Gwen said with a smile and adjusted the collar of his tunic.

"You can hardly look like a servant when Arthur is appointing you to one of his advisors."

"But I don't want to be an advisor!" Merlin cried out, distressed. "He is only doing this so he can force me to sit in council meetings with you lot and get bored out of my mind! He is such a prat." Merlin said and tossed his hands in the air, turning to look at the mirror again.

"Mind your words _Mer_lin." Arthur's voice drawled from the door and Merlin swung around to look at him.

"My lord." Gwen said with a smile and a small bow.

"My lady." Arthur replied and smiled warmly at her. "So how is it going, besides Merlin's constant complains?"

"We are almost done; we will be ready for the ceremony in time."

Arthur nodded with a smile and took another step into the room.

Merlin turned around with a roll of his eyes as he stared out of the window.

"Gwen, Lance please leave us for a moment." Arthur said softly, his gaze never leaving Merlin's form.

Gwen smiled softly and nodded. "But of course."

She and Lance left the room and closed the door softly behind them.

Merlin was still staring resolutely out of the window when Arthur finally reached him and his arms circled Merlin's waist.

"What is really the problem love?" He asked quietly, his head resting on Merlin's shoulder.

Merlin drew in a ragged breathe and sighed, turning in Arthur's embrace until he faced him.

"I'm just a servant Arthur, I'm not… Why would they accept me? Why would they listen to me?" Merlin said quietly and refused to meet Arthur's eyes.

"Merlin look at me," Arthur said softly and when Merlin refused he took hold of his chin and lifted his head.

"They will accept you because I said so; they would listen to you because occasionally you do have a good idea-"

Merlin scowled at that.

"And besides, since when do you care what the stuffy old nobles think anyway?"

Merlin shrugged. "They are your councilors; you should mind what they are thinking as well."

Arthur stared at him for a long moment before he shook his head. "Not all the time, and not when it comes to you."

Merlin frowned. "What?"

Arthur sighed and lifted his hand to caress Merlin's cheek. "When it comes to you Merlin I realized that the only one I should be listening to is my heart." He said and then flushed.

Merlin smiled softly and covered Arthur's hand with his own.

"I love you prat, you know that right?" He asked and planted a soft kiss on the corner of Arthur's lips.

Arthur smiled into the kiss and moved his head to the side so he could kiss Merlin properly.

"I love you too."

* * *

><p>"I thank you all for coming here today!" Arthur's voice carried through the great hall and Merlin's heart doubled its pace.<p>

"You are going to be alright my boy." Gaius said reassuringly from his right side. "You have been waiting for this moment for so long, enjoy it." Gaius said with a proud smile. "I know I am."

Merlin smiled at him gratefully and focused again on Arthur's speech.

"As you all know, I do not share my father's views on many subjects," He paused and took another deep breathe. "One of them is magic." A murmur passed through the hall and Merlin frowned, this wasn't part of the plan.

"What is he doing?" He hissed back at Gaius.

"The right thing finally." A different voice answered him and Merlin turned slowly to stare at-

"Gwaine?" He asked, shaking his head because this wasn't… this couldn't be real.

"The princess finally got his shit together and the treaty was signed so he called me back." Gwaine shrugged and looked Merlin over. "You look good Merlin, everything is better I presume?"

Merlin let out a shaky laugh. "Couldn't be more perfect."

"Oh I don't know," Gwaine said teasingly. "I think you should tune in again."

Merlin turned around to look at Arthur just in time for the last couple of sentences.

"- And that is why I give you our court sorcerer: Merlin of Ealdor!"

The crowd erupted in cheers and Merlin froze. _What the hell?_

"Go." Gwaine whispered behind him and gave him a small push.

Merlin stumbled onto the dais and stared at Arthur's wide grin.

The crowd was still clapping and Merlin blushed fiercely.

"Take a bow my love." Arthur whispered in his ear, his smile never faltering.

"You are going to pay for this prat." Merlin hissed thorough his smile and bowed before the cheering crowd.

"Ohh I'm counting on that." Arthur muttered under his breath and Merlin's blush intensified.

* * *

><p>"Thank you." Merlin said later that night when they were finally, <em>finally<em>, in Arthur's rooms.

"What for?" Arthur asked as he stepped from behind the dressing screen.

"For today, it's, I mean," Merlin faltered and took a deep breath.

"You didn't have to do this, the whole court sorcerer thing; you know that I would stay by your side even as your manservant for the rest of my life."

"I know that," Arthur said with a smile as he took Merlin in his arms.

"But I couldn't allow you to do that, you deserve more than that Merlin, more than this position even, if it were up to me you would be ruling over Camelot by my side," Merlin flushed at that. "But this is the closest thing I could think of and it makes sense, if anyone can deal with magical beings and sign treaties with them it's only the great Emrys." He pressed a soft kiss to Merlin's cheek.

"Arthur…" Merlin sighed and leaned his forehead against Arthur's.

"We should get some sleep; we have a busy day tomorrow."

"What's tomorrow?" Merlin asked drowsily as Arthur led him to their bed.

"A surprise." Arthur said as he tucked Merlin against his side.

"Surprise?" Merlin mumbled into Arthur's skin and Arthur shivered.

"Yes, just for the two of us love."

"Okay then." Merlin said and snuggled closer. "Goodnight Arthur."

"Goodnight Merlin."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Come with me,<br>Into the trees,  
>We'll lie on the grass,<br>And let the hours pass**_

"Everything is ready?" Arthur asked and gave another glance over the horses.

"Yes princess." Gwaine drawled and the rest of the knights snickered.

Arthur glared.

"What's ready?" Merlin asked as he came down the citadel stairs and stopped next to Arthur, only then did he notice the horses.

"Err, Arthur?"

"Hmmm?"

"Are you going somewhere?"

Arthur rolled his eyes while the rest of the knights stifled their laughter.

"_We_ are going somewhere Merlin." Arthur said, his voice long suffering.

"Oh," Merlin said and then raised one eyebrow in a disturbingly good imitation of Gaius. "And where would that be? If this is going to be a hunt I'm telling you right now that I have no intention on coming." He crossed his arms across his chest and glared at Arthur.

Lance couldn't hold his laughter anymore and he let out a bark of laugh that dragged the rest of the knights with him.

"What?" Merlin said, his glare turning into a frown.

"The princess has a surprise for you Merlin so be good and get on the horse so we could all move along now." Gwaine said with a smile and Merlin rolled his eyes.

He was happy that Gwaine was okay with him and Arthur and didn't seem too upset about it anymore.

"Shut up Gwaine." Arthur warned and turned to Merlin.

"It's not a hunt, now would you please come?"

"Fine, fine." Merlin grumbled.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Take my hand,<br>Come back to the land,  
>Let's get away,<br>Just for one day**_

"So where are we going?" Merlin asked when Camelot disappeared behind them.

Arthur turned around and smiled; big, bright and happy.

"Anywhere we want!" He said excitedly. "We have the whole day just for us."

Merlin's mouth twisted in an answering smile. "So that is the surprise." He said, pleased, as Arthur steered his horse closer to Merlin's.

"You like it?" He asked, trying to conceal the worry in his voice.

Merlin turned around to look at him and smiled softly. "I love it."

"Good." Arthur nodded and flushed a bit.

They rode in a contented silence until they reached a small clearing with a gleaming lake sparkling between the woods.

Merlin threw a suspicious glance at Arthur who was doing his best to look innocent and failing miserably.

"You sat this up didn't you?"

Arthur dismounted and came to a stop near Merlin's horse.

"And what if I did?" He asked, one brow rising in a challenge.

Merlin pretended to think as he slipped down his horse and into Arthur's waiting arms. "Well in that case, sire, I think I should thank you." Merlin said with a small smirk playing on his lips, "A bath is just what I needed."

"And how would you thank your king Merlin?" Arthur whispered; his lips mere centimeter away from Merlin's waiting lips.

"Oh I'm sure he'll let me know what I can do to repay him." Merlin said and moved a bit closer; his breathe ghosting across Arthur's mouth.

"I'm sure he will." Arthur said husky and closed the distance between their eager mouths.

The kiss started out chastely, closed lips pressing against each other as their hands rose and fisted in hairs and cloths, then Arthur's tongue darted out to lick at the corner of Merlin's mouth and Merlin was lost.

With a moan he opened his mouth to Arthur's questing tongue and nearly whimpered when it touched his, his hands tightened their grip on Arthur's hair and Arthur growled and pulled Merlin closer, tightening his embrace around him until Merlin couldn't breathe, couldn't move.

Arthur's tongue caressed his teeth and battled for dominance with his own and Merlin couldn't help the small whimpers that left his mouth.

"Gods Merlin, I had a plan for this…"Arthur mumbled and pressed another kiss to Merlin's lips, biting down gently on his lower one and soothing it out with his tongue.

"You had a plan?" Merlin whispered back, his flexing themselves in Arthur's hair and smoothing it down.

"I always have a plan." Arthur answered breathlessly and tore himself away from Merlin.

"Cloths off. Lake now." He said and took several steps back, when Merlin started taking his neckerchief off Arthur growled and moved back next to him.

"You are taking your sweet time aren't you _Mer_lin?" He drawled impatiently as he tugged Merlin's tunic off and ran his hands all over Merlin's chest and back.

"It would take me a lot less if you would stop touching me." Merlin gritted out as he shivered when Arthur ran his hand over his nipple.

Arthur smirked. "Am I distracting you Merlin?" He asked with a glint in his eyes.

Merlin swallowed down and took off the last of his clothing, taking advantage of Arthur's momentary distraction he tossed his breeches in Arthur's face and ran into the lake.

"Not at all sire!" He yelled gleefully as he dashed into the water.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Let me see you stripped down to the bone,<br>Let me hear you speaking just for me**_

Merlin was just coming up from beneath the lake when two strong arms wrapped themselves around his waist and pulled him closer to a very naked Arthur.

"And where do you think you are going?" Arthur purred as he trailed burning kisses along the soft skin of Merlin's neck.

"I already told you that, I need to wash." Merlin breathed and moved his head to the side to allow Arthur better access.

"Why would you need to wash if you are only going to get dirty?" Arthur whispered in his ear before he bitten down on Merlin's earlobe.

Merlin let out a small moan and then whimpered when Arthur's hard cock nudged him.

"Arthur…" He sighed and pushed back.

"Hmm?" Arthur hummed softly as he continued to place trails of kisses all along Merlin's neck, nipping and biting occasionally.

His hand moved away from Merlin's hip to his chest and he rubbed one peaked nipple between his thumb and a finger.

"So beautiful…" He murmured when Merlin's body arched into the touch.

"I've been dying to do this for a very long time now Merlin."

Arthur's voice was like liquid silk, pouring over Merlin's body and setting fire in its wake.

Arthur's hand reached for Merlin's wrist and his thumb smoothed over Merlin's scar, the only one he left in existence.

"I'm sorry." Arthur whispered to his neck and his thumb pressed harder against the scar, causing Merlin to shiver as a new wave of lust made its way through his body.

"What about my king?" Merlin whispered back, his hips rocking against the hard length of Arthur's cock.

"Everything." Arthur said as he turned Merlin around in his arms so he could look at him.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that this is what I needed, wanted, desired." With every new word Arthur pressed a kiss to Merlin's face, lingering touches and flicks of his tongue to every part of Merlin's lovely face.

"I'm sorry you suffered so long until I set things right." His grip tightened around Merlin and they both gasped as their cocks brushed against each other, moving their hips again and again to send more of these shivers down their spines.

"Arthur…" Merlin sighed against Arthur's mouth, they have had this conversation before, a hundred times over and he still didn't get it.

"It's over Arthur, everything is over, we won and we are together and that's what's important."

Arthur shook his head again and nipped down on Merlin's lower lip.

"You nearly died; you could have been dead right now." His breath caught in his throat and he lifted his eyes to stare at Merlin, they were dark and huge and Merlin frowned at the pain that lingered there.

"I will never leave you again." Merlin said and cupped Arthur's face in his hands, pressing soft kisses and caressing the wet blond locks.

"Promise?" Arthur asked, not even bothering to hide the pain in his voice.

"I promise. You have me, all of me, now and forever." He kissed Arthur's lips softly and lifted his head to smile sweetly at him.

"Good." Arthur chocked out and then his smile turned predatory.

"All of you?" He said and moved his hips forward.

"Guh, yeah, do that again Arthur, yeah." Merlin said breathlessly as Arthur started thrusting against his hard cock with more intention.

"I intend to that again Merlin." Arthur said in a low and hungry voice.

"And again and again." His hand moved slowly down Merlin's back, chasing droplets of water as it moved lower and lower, circling Merlin's tight hall.

"Arthur, please…" Merlin let out and then shivered when the single digit entered him, cold and wet.

"So good…" Arthur pressed the words to Merlin's neck, worrying the skin there to form a bruise.

"So hot and tight and mine." His finger started thrusting in and out faster as his hips moved more erratically, rubbing against Merlin's cock on every push forward.

"Arthur we have to-" Merlin's breath caught in his throat as Arthur brushed against something that set his world on fire and he cried out.

"Gods Merlin, do it again, I want, I need, just do it again." Arthur's finger brushed against that spot again and Merlin couldn't stop the scream that ripped from his chest as Arthur kept rubbing against that spot, again and again, murmuring filthy promises and possessive nothings into his skin.

"Say my name Merlin." Arthur whispered as Merlin writhed and moaned uncontrollably in his arms.

"Say it." He pressed against that spot harder and Merlin screamed his name to the skies as he came in thick ropes and a crack of magic, his eyes flashed gold and Arthur had never seen something more beautiful in his life.

* * *

><p>Merlin blinked his eyes open to see that the sun was past its peak and was moving towards the other end of the horizon.<p>

"Arthur?" He mumbled softly and Arthur was by his side in a moment, completely naked and carrying a small plate with fruits and cheese on it.

"Well, hello there sleeping beauty;" He said with a smug air around him as he lay down next to Merlin on the blanket.

"Wha-" Merlin started and then his eyes widened and he flushed. Arthur's grin intensified.

"I…" Merlin hesitated and Arthur let loose a roars laugh.

"It was quite the sight love; you lightened up the entire lake." Arthur told him with a small smile as he offered him a grape.

Merlin pushed him away, scowling. "I didn't mean-" He started but Arthur cut him off.

"I did." And Merlin lifted his head in surprise.

"What?"

"I needed to see you like this, loosing yourself, trusting me enough to lose yourself with me, for me." Arthur finished softly and traced one finger up and down Merlin's cheekbone.

"It was magnificent." He assured him and Merlin blushed again.

"What about you?" He asked, suddenly shy.

"Oh don't worry, I have a couple ideas of how you could repay your debt for blanking out on your king."

"Oh really?" Merlin said and took a grape from the plate.

Arthur opened his mouth, his eyes sparkling with joy.

"You could feed me." He said, his voice dropping low.

"Hmmm…" Merlin said and pretended to think about it before he took another grape and lifted it up, offering it to Arthur.

Arthur's tongue darted out to take it and flicked around the tip of Merlin's fingers causing him to shiver a bit.

Another grape made its way to Arthur's mouth and this time he licked at Merlin's fingers, drawing the digits into his mouth and wetting them.

"Oh god Arthur…" Merlin sighed and Arthur glanced down to see that, yes, he was hard again.

Smirking Arthur released Merlin's fingers and moved down his body, laying kisses on every part he wanted, after all, everything was his.

When he reached Merlin's cock he lifted his head to look at Merlin and groaned out loud; Merlin was staring at him with wide, nearly dark eyes and flushed face, his lips were parted and his breathing quick and unsteady.

Arthur sighed as he made his way back up to kiss him again.

"Your mouth is driving me crazy Merlin." He sighed against Merlin's lips.

"So sorry about that Sire." Merlin answered cheekily.

"I bet you do." Arthur smirked and went back down, blowing cold air on the wet trails he left before.

When he reached Merlin's cock he stopped for a moment and caressed the hard shaft, his fingers barely touching; a ghost touch that had Merlin moaning and begging.

"In a moment love; be patient."

Merlin lifted his head to glare at him and Arthur chuckled darkly before swallowing him down to the root, smirking when he heard Merlin's head thumping back against the ground.

Merlin's taste was heaven on his tongue, better than the best wine he has ever had and he couldn't get enough of it, he sucked and licked, pressing his tongue to the underside vein and to the weeping slit.

"Guh, Arthur-" Merlin cried from above him. "Stop, god, I'm not going to, please just-"

Arthur lifted his head and released Merlin's cock with a wet pop, his eyes dark and sparkling.

"Do it." He growled and swallowed him down again, sucking as hard as he could and nearly purring out loud when Merlin's essence flooded his mouth.

"Oh god, Arthur…" Merlin panted from above him and dragged his fingers through Arthur's hair, pulling him up.

"That was-" Merlin started before he gave up and crushed his mouth against Arthur's, licking his way inside and looking for all the remaining taste of himself.

Arthur moaned in appreciation and groaned when Merlin rolled them over and settled above him.

"I want you in me Arthur." Merlin whispered against his lips and Arthur tightened his grip on Merlin's waist.

"You, what, really?" He gasped and then shivered when Merlin's cleft rubbed against his cock.

"Yes. Been dying to have you in me since… forever." Merlin told him and Arthur growled and switched them again.

"And you are telling me this just now?" He nearly snarled and Merlin rolled his eyes and rubbed his hand against Arthur's cock.

"Yes. So what are you waiting for, _sire_?" He asked with a challenging smile on his face.

Arthur's answering smirk sent shivers down Merlin's body as he drew closer and whispered against his lips. "Be careful what you wish for Merlin."

"Do it." Merlin whispered back and Arthur crushed their mouths together as his hand reached for the oil he took from the castle and reached for Merlin's hole.

Merlin moaned as the first oil slicked finger breeched him and Arthur moved slowly, drawing in and out and making sure to brush against that spot on every second stroke in.

It didn't take long before Merlin was writhing and moaning on three on his fingers and Arthur couldn't take it anymore, he was so hard it hurt.

"Merlin?" He asked through clenched teeth and Merlin stared at him with wild eyes, black and gold battling for dominance.

He nodded, unable to do anything more than that and Arthur glanced down and guided his weeping cock towards Merlin's opening, sliding in smoothly and without stopping until he was sheathed completely inside him.

"Arthur…" Merlin grunted and lifted golden eyes to stare at him. "Move!"

And then there was no stopping Arthur as he thrusted in and out with increasing pace as Merlin's voice rose with every thrust and slide of Arthur's cock inside him.

"Oh god! Arthur!" Merlin screamed and the somewhere in the forest a flock of birds flew in fright.

"Arthur! Arthur! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Merlin screamed again and again and then he was coming and Arthur's cock was surrounded by scorching hit and his eyes were staring into Merlin's golden orbs and he came, crying out Merlin's name for the world to hear.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Take my hand, come back to the land,<br>Where everything's ours**__**…**_

"Arthur…" Merlin whispered weakly as Arthur finally pulled out of him and lay down beside him, wrapping himself around Merlin and tucking his head on Merlin's shoulder.

"I know." Arthur whispered back and pressed a gentle kiss to Merlin's temple.

Merlin twisted around in his arms so they were lying face to face and he smiled up at him, pressing a chaste kiss against his lips.

"I love you." He said and borrowed his head in Arthur's chest, nosing at the warm skin.

Arthur's arms tightened around Merlin's form and he pressed another kiss to the crown of his head.

"I love you too, so much."

They indulged in another half an hour of lying there, wrapped in each other, exchanging soft kisses and caresses before it got too cold to stay and Arthur helped Merlin up and Merlin waved a hand and the camp packed itself up.

"Lazy court sorcerer." Arthur muttered under his breath as Merlin swatted his head with the blanket before rushing off to the horses.

Arthur stopped his horse just as Camelot came into view and Merlin stopped a few paces later, turning his horse back and coming to a stop near Arthur.

"Arthur?" He said and Arthur smiled at him, offering his hand for Merlin to take.

"Our Kingdome." He whispered and squeezed Merlin's fingers lightly.

Merlin smiled and leaned over to kiss him.

"Our Kingdome." He nodded.

* * *

><p>So that was it... I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!<p>

Love you all!


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